Sacred and Scared
Or do you?
I've been pondering this for a while now, and I realize that my experience of the words sacred and scared is pretty darn similar.
Let me be clear, this is not because I think God is some big fierce man with eyes of lightning who controls the express chute to hell.
The Risks and Rewards of Awareness
Awareness seems scary when I’m trying to not be aware of something (because being aware of it would shatter my illusions). For example, if I was a child visiting Disneyland, I really wouldn't want to see my favorite character, let's say that's Cinderella, smoking Marlboros and tossing about obscenities with her Surfer Dude boyfriend. That would spoil the Magic.
Now let's say I think I am Cinderella. If, all of a sudden I realize I'm not actually the fair maiden, but rather the actor playing her, then the whole "Oh NO, my coach is a pumpkin, my slipper is dust, and I will never see my Prince again!" calamity suddenly loses its primal tug. It doesn't matter in the same visceral way. I will resist knowing this if I am attached to being the lead character of my story.
These kinds of awarenesses can be very disconcerting. In the worst case, life as you once knew it is revealed as an illusion and now feels like a pointless waste of time. In the best case, you end up knowing there is something more, but you don't yet know what it is or have any idea how to get there. In either case, the North Star that once guided you is gone and you haven't yet found a new one. THAT is scary.
Paradoxically, it is also sacred, because in moments like these we are being invited to realize we are the creators, not just the creations. Yes, we are the character (temporarily). We are also the actor playing the role. AND we are the author of the story! Now that is some scary responsibility. We are so much more than the limited identity we perceive ourselves to be.
I've started to think of the human life I am now living as one of many grand experiments that my Awareness has created to learn more about itself and gain experience. I've had many lifetimes, worn many different costumes, and gathered many many experiences under my belt. Each of the characters I’ve played has been an expression of me, a part of the whole of me, acted out by the grand actor (my consciousness) so it could accrue more wisdom.