The Season of Reckoning
Story
When I was young, Christmas Eve was my favorite day of the year. The magic was everywhere. It was in the snow, and in the stories, and in the way family gathered and laughed together. There was magic in the gift making and the giving. It was a day that represented the birth of the Light, and that Light was something I was drawn to with a passion.
However, as the years passed, the societal requirements of the holiday season began to take their toll on me. Being busy during the most internal time of the year went against my biorhythms, the bigness blew my budget, and the elves, well, they hadn’t been coming around for a while, so Mrs. Claus was tired. I was caught in an illusion...an endless repetition of the past. “Didn’t I use the exact same decorations and eat the same jello salad last year?” It all felt rather old and pointless, which was heartbreaking to me because this was supposed to be the season of miracles! I felt I was standing outside in the cold looking in on the magic.
Then in December 2008, my Dad passed away after a 10-year journey with dementia. His memorial service took place a few days before Christmas. My heart felt bruised and the weight of the holiday seemed unbearable. Mom came to stay with us and we shed a few tears and made it through; but on Christmas day she drove back home to find her kitchen window shattered, her pipes frozen, her home ransacked and her precious possessions stolen, including my Dad's box of treasures and the jewelry he gave her as gifts over the years. The robbers evidently saw the obituary in the paper and figured her house would be a good target...on Christmas Eve, the most "magical night of the year."
Something died in me that day. When I heard her wailing like a wounded animal on the phone, I locked myself in the bathroom and screamed out my rage, which frightened my husband and son. I finally managed to pull myself back together to help with the police reports and the repairs, but I never did spring back to my jolly old self.
Friends and family became deeply concerned. “This robbery didn’t happen to you,” they said. But they were wrong. I was robbed, of my naiveté, of my trust in magic and humanity, and of my religous belief that, if you are good and do good things, then bad things won’t happen to you or the people you love ESPECIALLY on Christmas Eve.
“Where was God in this?” I wondered. My faith in the system I believed in died that Christmas. My feelings of rage and betrayal brought up everything I’d secretly fumed about for years, but had stuffed down because it didn't match my practically perfect image. I wanted to lash out at the world. I wanted to hurt the people that had hurt my mother, and I was horrified to discover this deeply wounded perpetrator lurking within me. How was I any different from the angry people that had performed this violation? I evidently wasn’t.
My husband, bless him, bought my Mom and I pirate outfits, rum, and loaves of bread to shred with our bare hands (which is some of the greatest therapy there is for $1.99). I went through many loaves of cheap bread that winter (we won’t talk about the rum). Twas the season of my reckoning.
What Happened Next
The following summer, as fate would have it, I found myself at a local prison interviewing inmates as part of a peace project. One of the prisoners shadowed me the whole day and eventually came up to me. My heart started pounding when our eyes met because I could feel the magnetics between us. He told me he would be completing his sentence in a few days…for robbery.
Boom. There it was…the magnetics revealed. He was watching me like a hawk. I must have had a sign above my head that said, “Robbery victim here. If you want grace, she is the one to give it to you.”
He shared how he wanted a fresh start. I listened and gave him my blessing. Through the mirror he provided, I saw what an incredible opportunity this was to forgive and let my own karmic story go.
When the holiday season came around again six months later, I woke up early on Christmas Eve, and in the quiet moments before dawn, I felt gratitude rise in me. There were many things for which I felt thankful including, surprisingly enough, the robbery. I realized how much my mother had expanded in the past year, freed of possessions that might have become an altar to the past. I had expanded too. A new kind of compassion was emerging out of the ashes of my “good girl” persona and religious beliefs. My inner fields had been tilled, and new seeds planted when I wasn't looking.
All of a sudden, I felt energy surge up my body and out the top of my head in a surprising rush. It felt like a wave of grace. From that day forward, whenever the robbery came to mind, I never again felt the old emotional charge, only acceptance and a sense of freedom.
Insights
When the robbery happened, I did not want to believe that it came in service to me. Such a thought was very hard to swallow, and I needed to feel my feelings and allow forgiveness to emerge before I could see the event from a higher perspective. The truth was, my persona needed an update, and since I was not letting go of these parts of me willingly, I had to be shaken out of my comfort zone. Other people had to play certain roles for me in order for that to happen. From the divine point of view, this is all done from love, but in the moment I was having the experience I needed, it didn't feel so loving.
It is entirely possible that I was also experiencing a karmic cycle of some kind. Perhaps on some other timeline I had robbed another, and this was my opportunity to experience the results of my prior actions.
In any case, the experience came to me in loving service. I think accepting this fact, whether I felt the act itself was acceptable or not, was the key to neutralizing the energies. It was what made forgiveness possible.
When the robbery happened, I did not want to believe that it came in service to me. Such a thought was very hard to swallow, and I needed to feel my feelings and allow forgiveness to emerge before I could see the event from a higher perspective. The truth was, my persona needed an update, and since I was not letting go of these parts of me willingly, I had to be shaken out of my comfort zone. Other people had to play certain roles for me in order for that to happen. From the divine point of view, this is all done from love, but in the moment I was having the experience I needed, it didn't feel so loving.
It is entirely possible that I was also experiencing a karmic cycle of some kind. Perhaps on some other timeline I had robbed another, and this was my opportunity to experience the results of my prior actions.
In any case, the experience came to me in loving service. I think accepting this fact, whether I felt the act itself was acceptable or not, was the key to neutralizing the energies. It was what made forgiveness possible.
Over the years, I have paid attention to the cycles of human behavior. If we are hurting in some way, it is likely we will play one of three roles with others in order to acquire the energy we feel we are lacking:
Each of these roles is based on an unconscious survival belief. Each of the actors thinks there is only so much energy to go around, and they must get that energy from something outside of themselves. Each of the actors depends on the others to play their part or the game cannot continue. I know I have played each of these roles at one time or another and that they I tend to cycle through them one after the other.
To better understand how the energy feeding game is played, let me offer an example. I went with someone to their Dad’s 80th birthday celebration and had front row seats to what I call the “key lime pie incident.”
Dad mentions that Sister is bringing key lime pie to the party. Key lime pie is his favorite dessert. Like a little kid, he bubbles about how much he is looking forward to this.
Sister does not bring the pie. Dad starts pouting.
Brother says, in surprise, "Oh, Dad told me you were making key lime pie for his birthday...?"
Sister is a shit disturber and usually angry at Dad. One could easily assume she knew all of this and that is why she didn’t make the pie. She responds to Brother by saying, “I never said I was making key lime pie. Whoever gave you that idea?” I could see the fight light up in her eyes. Was she telling the truth, or was Dad? Lying and blame were a well-known pattern in this family.
In such instances, it is so easy to fall into old roles. It is as if there is a cardboard cutout of ourselves that others put up when they look at us. It is the version of us that they expect to see. Sibling 1 has traditionally played the rescuer role and was not afraid to vocally defend the wounded party because fairness and truth are very important to him. The stage was set. What would happen next?
The energy feeding game demands that we push each other's buttons to get the energy hit we need, and family knows how to push those buttons better than anyone because they installed them in us. It is interesting to me that the word "familiar" originated from the concept "on a family footing.” This reveals our genetic and ancestral tendency to build on the same foundation and repeat the same patterns over and over so we stay connected to our tribe. When certain patterns have been developed by generations, they are locked into our genes and we carry the patterns forward unconsciously.
- The Perpetrator - Uses power to get energy through physical, emotional, or mental attacks. This behavior creates a sense of control that hides a feeling of powerlessness.
- The Victim - Uses helplessness to get energy through suffering. This behavior creates a sense of martyrdom that compensates for shame.
- The Rescuer - Uses righteousness and pity to get energy through acts of salvation. This behavior creates a sense of worthiness that masks guilt.
Each of these roles is based on an unconscious survival belief. Each of the actors thinks there is only so much energy to go around, and they must get that energy from something outside of themselves. Each of the actors depends on the others to play their part or the game cannot continue. I know I have played each of these roles at one time or another and that they I tend to cycle through them one after the other.
To better understand how the energy feeding game is played, let me offer an example. I went with someone to their Dad’s 80th birthday celebration and had front row seats to what I call the “key lime pie incident.”
Dad mentions that Sister is bringing key lime pie to the party. Key lime pie is his favorite dessert. Like a little kid, he bubbles about how much he is looking forward to this.
Sister does not bring the pie. Dad starts pouting.
Brother says, in surprise, "Oh, Dad told me you were making key lime pie for his birthday...?"
Sister is a shit disturber and usually angry at Dad. One could easily assume she knew all of this and that is why she didn’t make the pie. She responds to Brother by saying, “I never said I was making key lime pie. Whoever gave you that idea?” I could see the fight light up in her eyes. Was she telling the truth, or was Dad? Lying and blame were a well-known pattern in this family.
In such instances, it is so easy to fall into old roles. It is as if there is a cardboard cutout of ourselves that others put up when they look at us. It is the version of us that they expect to see. Sibling 1 has traditionally played the rescuer role and was not afraid to vocally defend the wounded party because fairness and truth are very important to him. The stage was set. What would happen next?
The energy feeding game demands that we push each other's buttons to get the energy hit we need, and family knows how to push those buttons better than anyone because they installed them in us. It is interesting to me that the word "familiar" originated from the concept "on a family footing.” This reveals our genetic and ancestral tendency to build on the same foundation and repeat the same patterns over and over so we stay connected to our tribe. When certain patterns have been developed by generations, they are locked into our genes and we carry the patterns forward unconsciously.
How do we break out of our conditioned roles? Greek mythology actually offers us the answer in the story of Psyche, the Greek goddess of the soul who fell in love with Eros and had to overcome obstacles to unite with her lover. To evolve, we must, like Psyche, complete certain tasks that expand our awareness and develop our psyches. These tasks include:
To illustrate this, let’s return to the key lime pie incident. Here we can see how these tasks might play out in real situation.
Sorting
The battle is set. Dad wanted key lime pie, but the promised pie was not delivered. Questions have been taken as threats and everyone has donned their battle gear, putting their cardboard cutout identities firmly in place. Dad is pouting. Sister is threatening. Brother is protecting. You can see that a part of him really wants to take the bait and play the game. (What did she just say!??? You have got to be kidding me! She always lies…) If he takes the challenge on, a proverbial “plateful of pie” is about to hit his face.
Discernment
Brother glances at his dad, who is looking on expectantly, and the epiphany lands. Why, he set the whole thing up! He lied about the pie so you would come to his defense and your sister would rise to the bait. It is his birthday, and he wanted a little drama as birthday present to himself. Brother is over this game...soooo over it. The moment of awareness was clear on his face.
Connecting with Source Within
So instead of blaming his his sister, or calling his dad out on his shenanigans, Brother became very still and alert, and in a moment of chain-breaking clarity, says nothing at all.
Letting Go of the Illusions
Sister looks at her brother in shock. He is not behaving as expected and she is quite disappointed that she isn't going to get to fight. She likes fighting. Dad is confused and starts watching his son like a hawk. Just what is he up to? Everyone is uncomfortable, so different conversations spring up awkwardly and Brother is excluded from all of them. People have a hard time meeting his eye, as if they perceive him as dangerous because he did not play the expected role. He broke the tribal pattern and is now the outsider. The illusion of belonging is shattered. This is a game-changing moment that will have consequences. Will he be invited to the next family dinner? He may not be. There is a twinkle in his eye, and you understand he knows this and is perfectly okay with it. He knows the game will likely go on without him, but he never has to play that game again.
- Sorting the Seeds - Create order by sorting our experiences.
- Acquiring the Golden Fleece - Develop spiritual discernment and wisdom.
- Acquiring Holy Water - Connect with the eternal part of ourselves, the living water within.
- Making the Journey to the Underworld - Let go of the beautiful illusions of the physical world.
To illustrate this, let’s return to the key lime pie incident. Here we can see how these tasks might play out in real situation.
Sorting
The battle is set. Dad wanted key lime pie, but the promised pie was not delivered. Questions have been taken as threats and everyone has donned their battle gear, putting their cardboard cutout identities firmly in place. Dad is pouting. Sister is threatening. Brother is protecting. You can see that a part of him really wants to take the bait and play the game. (What did she just say!??? You have got to be kidding me! She always lies…) If he takes the challenge on, a proverbial “plateful of pie” is about to hit his face.
Discernment
Brother glances at his dad, who is looking on expectantly, and the epiphany lands. Why, he set the whole thing up! He lied about the pie so you would come to his defense and your sister would rise to the bait. It is his birthday, and he wanted a little drama as birthday present to himself. Brother is over this game...soooo over it. The moment of awareness was clear on his face.
Connecting with Source Within
So instead of blaming his his sister, or calling his dad out on his shenanigans, Brother became very still and alert, and in a moment of chain-breaking clarity, says nothing at all.
Letting Go of the Illusions
Sister looks at her brother in shock. He is not behaving as expected and she is quite disappointed that she isn't going to get to fight. She likes fighting. Dad is confused and starts watching his son like a hawk. Just what is he up to? Everyone is uncomfortable, so different conversations spring up awkwardly and Brother is excluded from all of them. People have a hard time meeting his eye, as if they perceive him as dangerous because he did not play the expected role. He broke the tribal pattern and is now the outsider. The illusion of belonging is shattered. This is a game-changing moment that will have consequences. Will he be invited to the next family dinner? He may not be. There is a twinkle in his eye, and you understand he knows this and is perfectly okay with it. He knows the game will likely go on without him, but he never has to play that game again.
Conclusion
My good girl persona resulted in a lot of vows (I will never, I will always). These were like spells with unexpected consequences, like wearing suffering as a badge of honor because it validated my chosen identity.I believed if I was practically perfect, then I would be safe, but this belief held me prisoner in the perpetrator/victim/rescuer triangle.
Thoughts are electric and emotions magnetic. Together they create a reinforcing loop of repetitive experience. If I thought the same thoughts over and over they become charged with emotions that reinforced my limited beliefs. This was the glue that held my world view in place.
I learned that the key to ending my suffering was to become aware of my emotions and the thoughts behind them, watch my behaviors, and then question my beliefs. Just acknowledging that these feelings and thoughts and beliefs existed took them out of the driver’s seat. Thought by thought I dismantled the story that was never mine to begin with and chose different responses that were organic and original. When my emotional charge around behaviors and outcomes became neutralized, I knew I had freed myself from a governing belief.
My good girl persona resulted in a lot of vows (I will never, I will always). These were like spells with unexpected consequences, like wearing suffering as a badge of honor because it validated my chosen identity.I believed if I was practically perfect, then I would be safe, but this belief held me prisoner in the perpetrator/victim/rescuer triangle.
Thoughts are electric and emotions magnetic. Together they create a reinforcing loop of repetitive experience. If I thought the same thoughts over and over they become charged with emotions that reinforced my limited beliefs. This was the glue that held my world view in place.
I learned that the key to ending my suffering was to become aware of my emotions and the thoughts behind them, watch my behaviors, and then question my beliefs. Just acknowledging that these feelings and thoughts and beliefs existed took them out of the driver’s seat. Thought by thought I dismantled the story that was never mine to begin with and chose different responses that were organic and original. When my emotional charge around behaviors and outcomes became neutralized, I knew I had freed myself from a governing belief.
Portal Perspective - What we think we have to be and why we think we have to be it
is the source of all our suffering.
Key to Success - Only by letting go of what we know can we discover a higher truth.
is the source of all our suffering.
Key to Success - Only by letting go of what we know can we discover a higher truth.