Releasing Our Stories
On August 21st, Americans experienced a coast-to-coast total solar eclipse that crossed the heartland of our nation. It occurred in the astrological sign of Leo, and therefore spotlighted our personas, both individual and collective. It took our stories offline for a few precious moments and offered us an opportunity to re-set our identities. The question is will we now embrace our sovereign nature and move forward in love, or will we stubbornly cling to our limitations and our fears?
© Donna Van Keuren
My intent during this eclipse window was to lay down any remaining battles and allow a new meld to occur within me. In recent months, I’ve been feeling something emerging. I can best describe it as a compassionate presence, almost like a highly energized void space that is very aware. It isn’t demanding anything of me, but I can sense it is there, and our collective awareness of each other has had some potent side effects.
I’ve noticed a greater flow of grace in my life, even in the midst of chaos. Pushing at things doesn’t work anymore; if I use force, the flow backs up and everything goes haywire. I keep being shown old beliefs that are limiting me. I have precious little capacity for stimulation and often feel overly expansive and disoriented. My dreams at night are just plain nutty. I’ve definitely felt a greater flow of energy moving through my body, which ironically has made me sore and tired. I literally feel waves flowing through my most restricted areas.
Surprisingly, my mind and emotions are starting to relax into this process and allow it. Because of the building intensity, I consciously chose this eclipse window as a symbolic opportunity to surrender completely.
I’ve noticed a greater flow of grace in my life, even in the midst of chaos. Pushing at things doesn’t work anymore; if I use force, the flow backs up and everything goes haywire. I keep being shown old beliefs that are limiting me. I have precious little capacity for stimulation and often feel overly expansive and disoriented. My dreams at night are just plain nutty. I’ve definitely felt a greater flow of energy moving through my body, which ironically has made me sore and tired. I literally feel waves flowing through my most restricted areas.
Surprisingly, my mind and emotions are starting to relax into this process and allow it. Because of the building intensity, I consciously chose this eclipse window as a symbolic opportunity to surrender completely.
An Identity Re-Set
Finally the big day of the eclipse was upon us. As I awoke that morning my body was literally vibrating in anticipation. Joe and I debated if we should fight the traffic and head north to see the totality, or stay home in a more peaceful setting. The inner call was clear to both of us: be still.
So Joe dug out his welding mask and made me a version using extra shields and a cardboard box. We created a nice celebratory picnic, and then sat back in the privacy of our own personal paradise to watch the show.
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As the eclipse drew near, I could hear the typical Monday morning hustle and bustle around us as people went about their day. Then the sun began to fade, the temperature plummeted, and everything went still. No traffic. The birds stopped singing. A timeless space opened. In the deep quiet, I felt a subtle pulse move through my body. Checking the clock, I realized the eclipse was at the maximum phase and Joe popped the cork on our champagne. We honored the past and toasted a new beginning.
As soon as the party was over, fatigue hit us like a wall. We both ended up sleeping for the rest of the afternoon! I was so glad we listened to our intuition and didn’t have a huge drive back home.
When I awoke toward the end of the day, I felt very disoriented, as if I was now on a different timeline and my body needed to catch up to the change. It seemed like the eclipse happened weeks prior. It was similar to the feeling you get when you cross several time zones and wake up in a new country. Everything felt odd.
When I awoke toward the end of the day, I felt very disoriented, as if I was now on a different timeline and my body needed to catch up to the change. It seemed like the eclipse happened weeks prior. It was similar to the feeling you get when you cross several time zones and wake up in a new country. Everything felt odd.
The Truth is Revealed
A few days after the eclipse I received another surprise - yet one more fascinating nighttime dream about my inner chimney, which has long been a representation of my deepest wounds and fears.
Ironically, as the dream starts I am enjoying my new life, collaborating with others and feeling excited about my future. Then things morph, and I am again back in the basement of my childhood home facing that damned old chimney. It is now rusting and collapsing in on itself. I move forward to look at it more closely, and I can feel it watching me. A part of it actually expands outward and turns to face me. This is rather shocking, but I speak out loud to it saying, “There is no more fear here.” The odd protrusion begins to resemble the head of an eagle, screeching in rage. I repeat the words like a mantra as I walk through the basement turning off the lights, then I look back one final time before heading upstairs. The face is now gone, and I wake up.
Why did I dream of the chimney yet again, now, when I feel my freedom so close? A rhetorical question, I suppose, but I wonder what remains unfinished?
Determined to put an end to the drama, I return to stand before the chimney in an imagination meditation. I confess I’m a little afraid, but I want to know what is inside, so I open the chimney wide from top to bottom. A blast of energy explodes outward as I do so. It flattens everything around me, but I stand untouched as the rage moves past me. Something liquid then pours out at my feet. I look down and see it is a pool of golden coins. This surprises me. Then I look inside the remaining shell of the chimney and find a multi-colored sparkling diamond! It is so alive and beautiful.
As I come out of the meditation, the irony of this imagery is not lost on me. Can it be that what I feared more than anything, and spent lifetimes running from, was actually my own living wisdom and beauty? Seriously?!!! Did I erect the chimney walls out of my rage and fear to stop me from remembering this most precious part of myself? Was this because I believed I didn’t deserve my own grace?
And all the while my diamond essence waited patiently for me in the very last place I would ever look. It waited for me to be done with my self-punishment, to stop fighting my battles. It waited until I was ready to receive every part of myself just as I was. It let me keep my story of separation for as long as I wanted to have it. Perhaps that is the ultimate compassion. Well, now the game is over. I know the truth.
I’ve been reeling a bit as this revelation drops down into my psyche. If my divinity has been waiting within my darkness all along, then that changes everything. Then life is always waiting within death. Health is hiding within illness. Grace is sitting within what is unforgiven. So many dualities began collapsing into unity that my mind struggled to keep up.
If this is so, then nothing was ever wrong! Nothing was ever broken! All my battles were illusions. Oh my God, all the wasted energy I exerted judging, and trying to fight for the right, or run from the wrong. Right and wrong are just two sides of the same coin! It is all divine…all one thing! A total eclipse indeed. The battle was pointless. I felt the humor rise up in me. Why this is the grandest cosmic joke ever!
Ironically, as the dream starts I am enjoying my new life, collaborating with others and feeling excited about my future. Then things morph, and I am again back in the basement of my childhood home facing that damned old chimney. It is now rusting and collapsing in on itself. I move forward to look at it more closely, and I can feel it watching me. A part of it actually expands outward and turns to face me. This is rather shocking, but I speak out loud to it saying, “There is no more fear here.” The odd protrusion begins to resemble the head of an eagle, screeching in rage. I repeat the words like a mantra as I walk through the basement turning off the lights, then I look back one final time before heading upstairs. The face is now gone, and I wake up.
Why did I dream of the chimney yet again, now, when I feel my freedom so close? A rhetorical question, I suppose, but I wonder what remains unfinished?
Determined to put an end to the drama, I return to stand before the chimney in an imagination meditation. I confess I’m a little afraid, but I want to know what is inside, so I open the chimney wide from top to bottom. A blast of energy explodes outward as I do so. It flattens everything around me, but I stand untouched as the rage moves past me. Something liquid then pours out at my feet. I look down and see it is a pool of golden coins. This surprises me. Then I look inside the remaining shell of the chimney and find a multi-colored sparkling diamond! It is so alive and beautiful.
As I come out of the meditation, the irony of this imagery is not lost on me. Can it be that what I feared more than anything, and spent lifetimes running from, was actually my own living wisdom and beauty? Seriously?!!! Did I erect the chimney walls out of my rage and fear to stop me from remembering this most precious part of myself? Was this because I believed I didn’t deserve my own grace?
And all the while my diamond essence waited patiently for me in the very last place I would ever look. It waited for me to be done with my self-punishment, to stop fighting my battles. It waited until I was ready to receive every part of myself just as I was. It let me keep my story of separation for as long as I wanted to have it. Perhaps that is the ultimate compassion. Well, now the game is over. I know the truth.
I’ve been reeling a bit as this revelation drops down into my psyche. If my divinity has been waiting within my darkness all along, then that changes everything. Then life is always waiting within death. Health is hiding within illness. Grace is sitting within what is unforgiven. So many dualities began collapsing into unity that my mind struggled to keep up.
If this is so, then nothing was ever wrong! Nothing was ever broken! All my battles were illusions. Oh my God, all the wasted energy I exerted judging, and trying to fight for the right, or run from the wrong. Right and wrong are just two sides of the same coin! It is all divine…all one thing! A total eclipse indeed. The battle was pointless. I felt the humor rise up in me. Why this is the grandest cosmic joke ever!
The After Effects
As this epiphany settled in, I proceeded to get a whopper head cold. I find this truly hysterical. Here I’ve been waiting lifetimes to reconnect with this glorious part of me, and I am inviting Her into my life when I’m a snot-nosed, achy, grumpy mess. It is like having the Diamond Queen come to live in your house and you answer the door wearing your frumpy jammies and bunny slippers. Your home is a mess. Your hair looks like a rat’s nest. The kids are screaming. It is not quite how you expected to make your introductions.
I can tell you, the Queen did not care one bit. She seemed rather delighted by it all actually. She has even been reveling in all my physical issues, which by the way, did NOT dissolve in a blaze of glory as I once imagined they might. I am still an imperfect messy human, warts and all. Yet She is joyfully making Her residence a permanent thing in my chaotic body, and I am caring about all those issues less and less and less.
A bit of adjustment has been required. The energy waves have been intense and non-stop. I used to experience a burst of new energy, followed by a clearing, and then have a few days before the next one would begin. Now it is a constant thing. I wake in the middle of the night with power surges on a regular basis. I stumble around during the day in a bit of a stupor. My mind isn’t working very well, my body is blinking, and I feel like I’m dream-walking somewhere between realms. All the while I’m also laughing because it is so inglamaourus and NOT what I expected. Everything has changed, and I have no freakin’ clue what is going to happen next. It is a moment-to-moment revelation requiring stupendous trust.
I have noticed the world is responding differently to me. People either really want to be with me, or they don’t. There is no middle ground. Animals, however, are feeling very safe with me. The bunnies in the yard let me walk right past them. I’ve had a few other remarkable encounters. I will let the pictures tell the tale.
I can tell you, the Queen did not care one bit. She seemed rather delighted by it all actually. She has even been reveling in all my physical issues, which by the way, did NOT dissolve in a blaze of glory as I once imagined they might. I am still an imperfect messy human, warts and all. Yet She is joyfully making Her residence a permanent thing in my chaotic body, and I am caring about all those issues less and less and less.
A bit of adjustment has been required. The energy waves have been intense and non-stop. I used to experience a burst of new energy, followed by a clearing, and then have a few days before the next one would begin. Now it is a constant thing. I wake in the middle of the night with power surges on a regular basis. I stumble around during the day in a bit of a stupor. My mind isn’t working very well, my body is blinking, and I feel like I’m dream-walking somewhere between realms. All the while I’m also laughing because it is so inglamaourus and NOT what I expected. Everything has changed, and I have no freakin’ clue what is going to happen next. It is a moment-to-moment revelation requiring stupendous trust.
I have noticed the world is responding differently to me. People either really want to be with me, or they don’t. There is no middle ground. Animals, however, are feeling very safe with me. The bunnies in the yard let me walk right past them. I’ve had a few other remarkable encounters. I will let the pictures tell the tale.
On that sweet note, I’ll close this chapter. l will be back to share again next month…if I have the ability to string two sentences together. Everything is changing. I’m sure this blog will as well. Until the next time we connect, may you be in awareness my friends…may you be in the miracle of awareness.
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