- A vehicle upgrade.
- An invitation to go to Italy.
- A lot of physical pain and chaos.
At first glance it might seem like one of these things is not like the other, yet each creation was the result of a new flow of energy moving through my life. Love got the flow going, but with one of these creations (you can guess which one) my mind got in the way and tried to control things. Let me share my experience.
The Invitation to Italy
The Physical Pain
For the past year I have been inviting the light of my own expanded consciousness into my body. Lifetimes of trauma were stuck in my cells and I longed to free this energy and create a new physical experience. I invited new flow in, and in it came, but my mind did not truly believe change was possible. The old patterns seemed unmovable, perhaps even necessary; so the new energy flowed in, hit the wall of my beliefs, and my whole body went into resistance. The more I tried to clear the blocks, the tighter the patterns gripped, and the more my mind rebelled and panicked. I would wake in the middle of the night in pain and terror. My symptoms escalated and hope fled as I was pulled back down by the gravity of my mind and the old programs that were still running there.
I've come to realize that my mind and my body are deeply connected. In fact, I think my body is actually my mind in physical form. My mind believes I need my body to survive, so it is a bit attached to it. Since my mind is identified with my old stories, it is holding onto them with a death grip, fearing that the end of the story signals my demise. Creating new external experiences (like trips and cars) has been a lot less threatening to my mind than changing my body. The thought of letting love reveal a brand new form (rather than repair and improve the old victim model) triggers a primal survival fear.
Trust and the New Energy
This is just a teeny tiny shift from how I used to live (cough). To trust is a leap. There are no steps. As Yoda said in The Empire Strikes Back, "Do or do not. There is no try." My mind, which tries to plan and control everything, is scared shitless by this.
For many many lifetimes I gave my mind, so anxious to serve me, the responsibility to keep me safe. This was an unfair request. During the last month, my faithful mind started getting the memo that its role is changing. It has been very anxious, grabbing on to what is leaving, trying to micromanage events, and using force to apply its agenda. The new energy coming to me now is guided by love. It does not need power. Force of any kind only distorts the creation. Hence the chaos and the pain.
I've been telling my mind it now has help. If it expands beyond its beliefs, it can open to the knowingness and compassion that is my true nature. I'm asking my mind to relax into a new role...receiving.
This is evolving awkwardly. There are moments when my mind shuts down completely. The center of my head aches, and I feel disoriented. I struggle with everyday tasks. Then there will be waves of bliss when a chunk of the old mental programming dissolves and my mind unwinds into the safe space within me.
Love, of course, brings up every belief that isn't in alignment with receiving grace. Every dark, scared, guilty, shame-ridden part of me comes screaming to the surface; and as they rise, so does the fear, and the pain, and all the stories. When my body starts releasing and changing, my mind jerks back into autopilot, and I have to redirect my awareness back into my calm center yet again.
So back to the heart of me I go where all these shadows are loved just as they are and the resistance melts. There I can relax, and my mind will quiet and allow the energies to move once again. It is taking longer that I would like to melt through all these layers...but that is just my mind's opinion. Another part of me knows it is already done.
My mind is starting to recognize the knowingness within me and receive it. This knowingness KNOWS what is best for me. It is very direct and clear, but it gives no reasons or explanations. It just knows. When I recognize this knowing, and choose to honor it, life flows and magic happens. I feel joy.
Joy as the New Nonnegotiable Priority
Each day I am seeing that the forms I desire already exist. My mind doesn't have to create them or bring them to me. I just need to relax, trust, let the potentials come into my awareness, and be willing to receive them. And this, I am seeing, is the true purpose of my life - to open to my magic and let it inspire and animate my forms beyond all my preconceived limitations.