As I write this, it is a few days before Halloween. Here in the United States we dress up on Halloween and flirt with the dangerous notion of letting our alternative selves be seen. Will we be “treated” for our creativity or resisted (which, of course, leads to retribution and mischief)?
I was born in October on the cusp between Libra (the balanced and beautiful) and Scorpio (the maestro of power and revealer all things dark and secret). These are interesting characters to reconcile within. For a long time, I hid behind a nice-girl persona that seemed safe and acceptable. In truth, I wore this costume in an attempt to make up for all the lifetimes where I played the demon priestess (and let me tell you, I rocked the house with that one).
To my surprise I am learning that the Real Me is whole and embodies both the light and the dark in an integrated way. She enjoys playing dress-up, loves all the antics, and truly doesn’t care what costume she wears because she thinks they are all fun! Go figure. I can put on any costume I want for the experience. In fact, every moment offers a potential costume change, a chance to show up in whatever way feels the most authentic. It surprises me still when my most appropriate response to a given situation isn’t my conditioned one.
Since autumn is my birth season, it represents the beginning of the new year to me, and I’ve been reflecting on how my Grand Actor wants to show up in the coming months. What rose up was surprising - I heard it is time to stop hiding.
These past five years or so have been rather cataclysmic, and I will be the first to admit that I hid away to nurse my wounds. During my cave time, the parts of me I relied on for survival shriveled up and fell away. My passion for life faded. I didn’t want to do anything and had no desire to create or expand. I became a hermit…a very very quiet one.
To my surprise I am learning that the Real Me is whole and embodies both the light and the dark in an integrated way. She enjoys playing dress-up, loves all the antics, and truly doesn’t care what costume she wears because she thinks they are all fun! Go figure. I can put on any costume I want for the experience. In fact, every moment offers a potential costume change, a chance to show up in whatever way feels the most authentic. It surprises me still when my most appropriate response to a given situation isn’t my conditioned one.
Since autumn is my birth season, it represents the beginning of the new year to me, and I’ve been reflecting on how my Grand Actor wants to show up in the coming months. What rose up was surprising - I heard it is time to stop hiding.
These past five years or so have been rather cataclysmic, and I will be the first to admit that I hid away to nurse my wounds. During my cave time, the parts of me I relied on for survival shriveled up and fell away. My passion for life faded. I didn’t want to do anything and had no desire to create or expand. I became a hermit…a very very quiet one.
In the stillness, something new started forming, but I couldn’t fully understand it. It is now making itself known and wants to emerge from its transformational chrysalis. I, however, am pretty comfy in my secret hidey-hole. Okay, maybe my safe space has become a little stagnant, a bit boring, a tad cramped, and yes, I do dream about stretching my wings; but I remember the battle scars I received when I let my freak flag fly in the past. What will people think if I let this rogue bad-ass butterfly that I don’t fully understand yet fly free in the wide open sky? What chaos might ensue? Will my new presence be applauded or denied? (Probably both…hence the hiding.)
Transformation has been a rather messy process. Both the old me and the new are swirling together in a morphing soup, yet I can feel my butterfly self waiting for my trust so she can fully emerge. She is ready to move forward. Just recently I had to make a clear choice and turn the controls over to her to preserve my inner peace.
This felt a bit like putting a crystal child into the pilot seat of a temperamental WW2 Bomber. What does she know of archaic aircraft? For goodness sake, this child has wings! She doesn’t need a plane at all! She kindly agreed to let me keep a plane-like container, but informed me there will be some significant upgrades that she will design and install. Flight might be a bit bumpy as we work out the details, yet she assures me it will all work out just fine in the end and will be a grand experiment…I mean experience.
Transformation has been a rather messy process. Both the old me and the new are swirling together in a morphing soup, yet I can feel my butterfly self waiting for my trust so she can fully emerge. She is ready to move forward. Just recently I had to make a clear choice and turn the controls over to her to preserve my inner peace.
This felt a bit like putting a crystal child into the pilot seat of a temperamental WW2 Bomber. What does she know of archaic aircraft? For goodness sake, this child has wings! She doesn’t need a plane at all! She kindly agreed to let me keep a plane-like container, but informed me there will be some significant upgrades that she will design and install. Flight might be a bit bumpy as we work out the details, yet she assures me it will all work out just fine in the end and will be a grand experiment…I mean experience.
I figured we would have lots of time to practice flying in secret and later make a grand and proper entrance, but a funny think happened when I gave my butterfly self the controls: everybody seemed to know! I had not said a word, yet somehow the word got out on the psychic butterfly billboard. People who once new me, even if they lived thousands of miles away and hadn’t seen me or talked to me in years, felt a change in the wind and started reaching out energetically or in person. It was as if they could tell something big was changing.
So the laugh is on me. There really is no hiding expansion. The magic that is opening up in me is already felt on some quantum level, so I might as well just suck it up, come out of the closet, and own it…even if I don’t yet understand it.
What owning this will mean, I cannot tell you. I have no real concept of what this butterfly looks like or how it will fly. I don’t know what will change, how I will show up tomorrow, what will come out of my mouth, or just what it will be like for other people to be around me. All I know is something wise and wonderful is moving and it would be best to not ride the brake. I don’t have to understand it to BE it and allow it all to unfold. So here goes!
This blog is my confession (yup, I’ve been hiding)…
And my promise (I will stop hiding now because somehow my mystery butterfly has pushed out into the open and is already felt, even if I can’t yet see it - *gulp*)…
And my admission (I have no clue what will happen next, but I suspect a new operating system will click into gear any moment, which should be super fun)…
And my invitation (keep reading month by month to discover right along with me what exciting adventures will unfold mid-air)…
Because magic is real, we have always been much more than we realize, and it is time to fly free. Wooo Hooooooo…..
So the laugh is on me. There really is no hiding expansion. The magic that is opening up in me is already felt on some quantum level, so I might as well just suck it up, come out of the closet, and own it…even if I don’t yet understand it.
What owning this will mean, I cannot tell you. I have no real concept of what this butterfly looks like or how it will fly. I don’t know what will change, how I will show up tomorrow, what will come out of my mouth, or just what it will be like for other people to be around me. All I know is something wise and wonderful is moving and it would be best to not ride the brake. I don’t have to understand it to BE it and allow it all to unfold. So here goes!
This blog is my confession (yup, I’ve been hiding)…
And my promise (I will stop hiding now because somehow my mystery butterfly has pushed out into the open and is already felt, even if I can’t yet see it - *gulp*)…
And my admission (I have no clue what will happen next, but I suspect a new operating system will click into gear any moment, which should be super fun)…
And my invitation (keep reading month by month to discover right along with me what exciting adventures will unfold mid-air)…
Because magic is real, we have always been much more than we realize, and it is time to fly free. Wooo Hooooooo…..
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