I felt into the upcoming trip to see if it was still a good idea to go, and all I got back was a feeling of humor, as if a part of me was having a grand time watching this little adventure unfold.
A few days before the hut extravaganza, our dear friend who invited us on the trip arrived in Colorado. We were having a lovely chat on the first night of her visit, and drugged by an overdose of chocolate, I blurted out my deepest desire: “I am ready to stop suffering,” I said. “I want JOY to be the standard for all my experiences.” I realized this meant I would have to release the pain I’d been hanging on to and was still processing through my body, and I said out loud that I was ready to let my suffering go completely.
In the morning, our friend started to get sick. We picked up two other hut-trippers and headed to a condo the mountains, where our friend proceeded to get even sicker. As I watched this surprising development unfold, my mind was unexpectedly quiet, but the humor inside me was growing by leaps and bounds.
The night before the hike, I developed a cough and a curious tightness in my chest. Joe channeled a message for me about love of self, and I realized the tight chest and cough were about my own deeply buried grief. My mind has NOT been my friend in this lifetime, criticizing, judging, and bullying me over the years. My body took the brunt of this abuse and is now, per my request, starting to let the pain go.
This was developing into a most interesting weekend.
As I was putting on my gear, I could sense multiple potentials swirling around me, and my mind was completely disoriented. Joe could tell I wasn’t myself, but I had no words for him. Up the trail we started…left foot, right foot…until I started to feel extremely dizzy.
Two friends were ahead of us on the trail. Somehow they got the psychic memo I was sending them, and they waited for Joe, who scampered up the trail to give them the news and the coffee pot. When I reached the car my body was trembling, I started to feel feverish and achy, and the cough (which had only been a subtle nuisance until then) erupted in earnest.
By the time Joe got me back to the condo, I was in full-blown release mode. We hung out with our friend for the next two days. I was wrapped in blankets, drinking hot tea, and enjoyed some beautiful chats between naps. It was surprisingly joyful.
It dawned on me that this is how life will work from now on. I will get what I need when I need it. No early bird specials. No hoarding for future events. What I need will be there, right when I need it, and not a moment before. It was a remarkable experiential awareness, and I laughed out loud. Did I mention, this all happened on April Fool’s day? Hahaha. The joke was on me.
Many of you who read my blog know already what happened at the April meeting. For those who don’t, the focus of the day was all about (wait for it…) choosing to release your pain! An odd coincidence? I think not, for didn’t I claim my readiness for just such a thing only a few days prior? And wasn’t I getting exactly what I asked for? My body was already doing its part! When I finally watched the magic of the meeting unfold, I realized I had prepared myself perfectly and was already letting go of what I need to release.
And release I have! My flu symptoms lasted several weeks and brought some additional gifts on the side. The hives ramped up for another round. Other lumps and bumps and shame-induced symptoms sprung into hyper gear. I had frequent nightmares.
Releases that earlier would have been spread out over months were now occurring one on top of the other, and they were revealing some deeply engrained mental patterns. Of course, I wanted to control the timing to make it more manageable, but this was just another way my mind was trying to sneak back into the driver’s seat. As I said, my mind has NOT been my friend.
April Fool’s Joke #2 - When the Divine Consciousness Within moves to free you, the energy of forgiveness cannot, should never, will refuse to be controlled. Trying to control it is a really bad idea. Every time I tried to assert my will and direct the process, my symptoms dug in and I spiraled.
What Freedom Demands
Role #1 - Give my mind and body the command to allow my awareness all the way into the patterns that imprison me without protecting anything.
Role #2 - Accept my current circumstances without fighting them, and allow Grace to do its thing with total trust. I’d asked for freedom and I was getting it. Now I just had to get out of my own damn way and let it happen.
The part of me that had identified with pain had created ingenious ways of attracting more pain so it could feed on my misery and keep itself alive. This pattern was now being dismantled - one belief, one implanted program, one miserable cell at a time. My only tasks are to choose it, allow it, and watch it happen.
Over the past five years my life has simplified itself to the point that I now have no job, no hobbies, few relationships, and no social obligations, so nothing remains to distract me from pure allowing.
As I bring my awareness into what is rising for release, the symptoms initially get worse, sometimes escalating for days on end; but then eventually, if I keep watching and allowing, very very slowly I can feel the patterns begin to unwind. Being The Watcher of the pain reveals that I am NOT the pain itself, even though I feel it intensely. If I watch with compassion, without force of any kind, I can actually feel the pain begin to dissolve. Allowing has yet to eliminate the core conditions completely, but it has greatly reduced my suffering.
The Divine Fool
For many years I read the Tarot, and the Fool in the tradition I learned represents the protagonist at the beginning of the hero’s journey. When one embraces the archetype of the Fool, one releases all stories from the past, all conditioning, all intellectual knowledge, and dives off the cliff into the unknown with abandon, knowing that Grace will provide the wings. The Fool represents the ultimate trust placed in liberated present moment awareness.
To release my pain, to forgive the unforgivable, I had to transcend my mind and allow the unknowable. Only in a state of total allowing could Grace go to work on my behalf, and this is happening now in ways that are beyond my understanding.
Over the last few weeks I have watched my monkey mind let go of its constant chatter, disengaging from its need to know. It has crawled into the back seat, freed of its responsibility to figure this whole thing out, and is now recording what is happening for posterity. I can tell it is much happier there than it was behind the wheel.
In the absence of all that ceaseless thinking, the deep subconscious patterns that ran my mind are now rising up into my awareness. This has made life even juicier, but I know these core programs will also dissolve, much like my monkey mind chatter did, so my universe can reorganize itself around a new still point of presence.
I am well aware that this transmutational process is not yet complete. There are a few more layers of the onion to be peeled, and who knows how much longer it will take. I am eager for the day when it will be done (when it is, I will be throwing one hell of a party) but until then, I plan to just allow the process unconditionally. The releases are, after all, being designed to liberate me and my intention is to survive them.
However, if my April Fools Hut Trip is any indicator, I will emerge transformed on the other side of this adventure having a really great laugh at my own expense and an amusing tale to tell about how I got exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it, in a way I completely did not expect.