This month has been a deep-dive into self-love, and oh, what a surprising month it has been. I did not expect what occurred, though I felt it coming weeks in advance and have had many preliminary glimpses. I did not know what it would ask of me, though my wild nighttime dreams should have been an indicator. I’ve been debating whether I should share this, because it is so personal, and I’ve struggled to find the words to describe my experience; but during this time of separation and breakdown, I wanted to offer a story of something coming back together again, mysterious and chaotic as the process has been.
The Preparation
For weeks, I’ve been experiencing a life review. Each night I would be visited by the ghosts of relationships past, who still seek resolution for their stories. I re-lived all the ways I played the rescuer, the victim, and the perpetrator. I saw what motivated my behaviors. I so desperately wanted love, and kept offering it in wounded ways, hoping to receive by giving of myself.
I was shown my great life pattern of carrying other people’s pain and processing it through my own body. The cost of this has been high, yet it was a program hard-wired into my cells and identity. As my awareness permeated this pattern, I experienced endless purging. My body has been bucking like a bronco.
As within, so without. As I look at the world around me, I see chaos reigning from deep eruptions that are bringing up dark decay and hidden deceptions. I’m watching the death throes of a era and many last ditch efforts to hold on to old ways. I witness the confusion and anger of the masses, who have yet to see the faces of the puppeteers running the shadow games, and I hear the rising battle cries for freedom. The winds of change are blowing, and they are fierce winds. The world will not look the same when they calm. The old ways are falling apart, but the new is not yet revealed.
I was shown my great life pattern of carrying other people’s pain and processing it through my own body. The cost of this has been high, yet it was a program hard-wired into my cells and identity. As my awareness permeated this pattern, I experienced endless purging. My body has been bucking like a bronco.
As within, so without. As I look at the world around me, I see chaos reigning from deep eruptions that are bringing up dark decay and hidden deceptions. I’m watching the death throes of a era and many last ditch efforts to hold on to old ways. I witness the confusion and anger of the masses, who have yet to see the faces of the puppeteers running the shadow games, and I hear the rising battle cries for freedom. The winds of change are blowing, and they are fierce winds. The world will not look the same when they calm. The old ways are falling apart, but the new is not yet revealed.
The Deep Dive
From the maelstrom, wisdom has been rising saying it is time for me to give up force and control, which have only created grand distractions, and surrender into the whirlwind, allowing it to carry me straight into the eye of the hurricane at my center. There my inner alchemist can have its way with me, which will of course bring change - great great change. Would I survive it, or would my own transformational fire burn me up in the process? Fear rose up fast and fierce, for as much change as I have allowed, and I have allowed a lot, total surrender would take my evolution to an unprecedented level. I discovered a death grip under the surface of my willingness. I was riding the brake at the same time I was accelerating.
Then came the questions. Was I worthy of forgiveness? Could I let love into all the broken wounded parts of me so they could be rebalanced and remade? And what of my agreements? I could feel the tug and pull of others. “Don’t leave me. You gave me your word.” Yet I knew, my days of holding energy for them were over. Love was demanding a reconciliation with myself. My years of service without self-love were an illusion, for without love within, I was not able to truly love others.
The walls and structures I’d built within myself have been breaking down, and I can no longer patch them up. My external connections to the life I knew have been unplugging, my identity dissolving. I have felt the vertigo, as if teetering on the edge of a spinning void, and I finally let go into the experience.
There are few words for what this has been like. Disorientation is probably the best. It’s as if I lost my compass and my magnetics simultaneously and am now swirling in an ever-changing turbulent sea that is breaking apart old patterns and carrying me forward into unknown waters.
Yet when I shift my focus and look within, the turbulence falls away. There is evolution, motion without movement, and at the center I sense a new north star. It is shining bright. I see it only in my mind’s eye, but I can feel it’s potency. Its light is harmonizing everything it touches in me. It is singing a song I can’t hear with my ears but I can feel in my cells. I ride waves of bliss as I relax into it’s glow, and then experience periods of chaos when it touches the places in me I’d locked down and hidden away, even from myself. These places are still resisting opening into that light; yet the light is persistent. It somehow unlocks the codes, and frees the energy trapped inside, which moves in molten bursts, rattling through my body and mind, flushing out old toxins and re-ordering itself. I feel like I am breaking apart. I do not know if my body will heal. I only know that everything is changing and there is no going back. I can’t control what is happening, but control is not what is needed now. Trust is what is needed. This is a free fall without a net.
What Comes Next?
I do not yet know. I can say that already things look different. The stories I’ve carried of right and wrong, good and bad, are losing their meaning. I have a deep knowingness that my life has been perfect, just as it is, warts and all. Each experience brought me right here, in meticulous timing, in the most illuminating way possible. And this is so for everyone. Nothing needs fixing.
I have a deepening compassion for my fellow human travelers, no matter their choices. We are all so brave, so determined, so willing…even when we feel lost and scared and choose to play with power. I have such gratitude for those who’ve journeyed with me in this lifetime, whether we walk together now or not, for you broke open my heart to prepare me for this reconciliation with my Self.
The light within me continues to shine bright and fierce. I’ve needed quiet and sleep, good food and my own good company. It is hard to be in the world right now. I feel everything intensely. Even my clothes. My outer life has become a still point. I have little motivation for accomplishment or activity. I prefer to sit and watch the wind move through the trees; it is like the light flowing through my body.
Is this love? It is more like a reclaiming, as if my Soul is saying “This is my creation and I am hers. No part of her will I leave behind.” She has prepared me in every possible way for this, and I have allowed Her as best as I’ve been able. Now the floodgates are opening, and Thy Will Be Done. It is a work in progress.
Is this love? It is like no other love I’ve ever experienced, for there are no questions worth asking, like “Will it last?” or “Is my love returned?” These have no meaning. What is coming through me is timeless. It is endless. It simply IS. I can’t define it. It defies duality, so there is no “other” now, and yet, I still remain.
Is this love? If so, it is only the beginning of what is to come. The first glance. The first kiss. The first touch. I will let this hold me as the world I know blows apart at the seams.
I have a deepening compassion for my fellow human travelers, no matter their choices. We are all so brave, so determined, so willing…even when we feel lost and scared and choose to play with power. I have such gratitude for those who’ve journeyed with me in this lifetime, whether we walk together now or not, for you broke open my heart to prepare me for this reconciliation with my Self.
The light within me continues to shine bright and fierce. I’ve needed quiet and sleep, good food and my own good company. It is hard to be in the world right now. I feel everything intensely. Even my clothes. My outer life has become a still point. I have little motivation for accomplishment or activity. I prefer to sit and watch the wind move through the trees; it is like the light flowing through my body.
Is this love? It is more like a reclaiming, as if my Soul is saying “This is my creation and I am hers. No part of her will I leave behind.” She has prepared me in every possible way for this, and I have allowed Her as best as I’ve been able. Now the floodgates are opening, and Thy Will Be Done. It is a work in progress.
Is this love? It is like no other love I’ve ever experienced, for there are no questions worth asking, like “Will it last?” or “Is my love returned?” These have no meaning. What is coming through me is timeless. It is endless. It simply IS. I can’t define it. It defies duality, so there is no “other” now, and yet, I still remain.
Is this love? If so, it is only the beginning of what is to come. The first glance. The first kiss. The first touch. I will let this hold me as the world I know blows apart at the seams.
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