Hello friends.

This has been a deep and shifting time, and I have few words to share at the moment, though perhaps a story will emerge that merits telling.

In the interim, I'd like to share another song I recorded with you. This was written years ago by Amy Grant.  It's called "After the Fire" (and her beautiful version can be found on the album, Simple Things, 2003, A&M).

I was playing this song for myself the other day and I was struck by how deeply it resonated with me, so I decided to record it. During this time of tremendous change (both inner and outer), I've felt both loss and the emergence of something very new. Pele's volcanic activity on the Big Island of Hawaii is mirroring the death and rebirth that is happening within me, and I suspect, for many of us right now. 

When I sing this song, I hear the voice of my eternal self comforting the distraught and nervous human, holding me and reminding me that we are in this together.

Blessings to you all as we embrace change.

Love,
Donna

​

On the surface, this purchase seems rather unremarkable (people buy plates and bowls all the time), but it was actually a rite of passage for me.  What made it notable is that we purchased ART for everyday use.  I will add that we did not quiver or quibble at the price (which was appropriate for such fine work).  We paid it willingly, knowing we were worth the investment, and because we wanted our dining experiences to be delicious in more ways than one.

I’ve come to realize it is not the big events that define my quality of life as much as the small day-to-day decisions.  By marrying sensuality with practicality in such an intentional way, we placed a new priority on beauty.  We juiced our joy.  Joe and I used our new plates for dinner last night, and I confess, I was giddy.

As I look back, I see how I’ve been building this new standard of living for quite a while.  For example, I’ve been re-inventing my wardrobe piece by piece in recent months, looking for items that I can use for travel and adventure, and this started long before my upcoming trip to Italy was even on the radar!  Like Frances in the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun, I was building the container for a life I did not yet have, essentially creating that new reality through small leaps of faith.  ​

Similarly, our new dishes represent the lifestyle Joe and I want to have:  creative, unique, a high-class work of art.  With this purchase we took another step towards the grandness we are imagining, and gave ourselves a practical reminder of our intention - one that will be put before us every single day.
​

It takes a rare kind of courage to actually make our big dreams tangible.  As the Velveteen Rabbit so poetically depicted, becoming “Real” involves a certain amount of dishevelment that is alarming at best. It is not for the faint of heart.

​Through trial and error, I’ve discovered birthing my dreams is best done by taking small steps, because small steps don’t send my mind into all-out revolt like big steps do.  I balk at big steps, but a series of small steps, taken organically, have carried me effortlessly over the threshold into many new realities. ​Small steps make the impossible possible.

By taking small steps, I let my dream know that I’m serious, which gets the energies flowing.  When opportunities then come to my door, I can choose to invest my curiosity, or perhaps even some money, to see what happens next.  This is how I water my passion garden.  Sooner or later something I wasn’t expecting will pop up out of the ground and it will amaze me.  Then, in hind-sight, I will see how I prepared myself to receive something grand, one small step at a time.
​

The small-step dance is an intuitive and agenda-less process.  It is purely play.  Playfulness is a conscious strategy that keeps my mind from messing things up.  My soul (who knows which things serve me best) will often bypass my mind completely and simply lure me playfully into instinctive action.  

My first Reiki attunement was like this.  Without research of any kind, not knowing at all what I was getting myself into (which was out of character for me), I signed up for the attunement and found myself mid-way through the session before my mind caught on to the significance of my choice…at which point it freaked out, but the deed was already done.  ​

Similarly, several sets of clothing and a new suitcase into my recent buying spree, my mind began to rebel by screaming, “What are you doing?  You shouldn’t be buying all this stuff!  You don’t even have a trip planned.  What a colossal waste of good money!”  But my inner wisdom knew better.  It wasn’t a month later that the opportunity to travel to Italy arrived on the well-greased path of all those purchases;  and now I have everything I need to go, so no excuses. When I’m compelled to act, and my mind is not the catalyst, I’ve learned it is a sign that I’m moving in the right direction.
​

Dreaming requires patience.  It is easy to get sucked into worry and distraction, or even worse, pushing, but forcing dreams to sprout never works.  ​

The deer in our yard have taught me this.  When I urge them to come close, they run away.  If I celebrate them and radiate total acceptance, they often come right up to me.  I once had a big buck nuzzle my hand.  (It was truly a Snow White moment.)

I had a similar experience with a run-away dog who came into the back yard while I was writing.  He was very anxious and skittish.  I just witnessed him, gave him permission to do what he needed to do, and eventually he came up next to me and snuggled in.   (Side note - Dreams smell fear, just like animals do.  To minimize chaos it is best to stand calmly in your own loving center.)​

I’ve learned to allow dreams to approach me in their own timing.  It took 40 years before Colorado became my home, and it was a place I longed to live since I was 10 years old;  yet I can tell you with certainty that I am here now at exactly the right time.  If I had come here any earlier, I would not have been ready for what happened next.  My biggest dreams ask me to believe in them without question and trust they will arrive on schedule.  While I wait, I know I am building my capacity to actually receive what comes.
​

The magnet that attracts energy into our lives is passion.  I know that when I’m not passionate about living, I attract flat listless days on the couch.  Finances fizzle.  Life has less color.  When passion is present, everything comes alive.

Ironically, what I once thought was passion was often just a grand distraction.  It was feel-good-fluff designed to placate me and postpone actual change.  It was an opiate that both medicated my pain and enhanced my addiction to the pain/pleasure cycle. ​

Eventually these pretend passions fell away and this created a certain paradox:  if passion is what attracts energy into my life, and what I think is passion actually prevents its presence, how do I find the real deal?  How do I weed my garden and cultivate real blooming bliss?

In the wake of my divorce, I feel desperate to prove to all my nay-sayers that I am a phoenix that can rise from the ashes.  Sadly, I have no real flight plan, so in a terror-driven burst, I start a business hoping to turn my passion for art into a paycheck. 

This new business starts small.  I’m invited to a party where I can sell my art, and I set my table up next to the make-up lady and the jewelry maker.  The wine is flowing.  The women are talking.  I am hiding behind my art, twitching like a wall-flower.  

Then a woman pulls me over to the couch and tells me she works at a local university where she teaches marketing.  She likes my work and asks if I would I like to be her class project for the next semester!  She wisely assumes that my tearful squeaky response is a 'yes' and informs me that once her students understand my vision, they will develop different marketing strategies for my company, including logos, color schemes, website designs, and possible next steps.  At the end of her class I will leave with a brand and a plan, AND her agreement to work with me after to implement it.  I am euphoric!

Over the next few weeks I prepare my presentation for her students, which brilliantly compares the way artists create art to the way people re-create their lives.  ​

Then I learn that a local hospital is soliciting art for a new building.  What place would be more perfect to install my art than a hospital?  People there are dealing with all kinds of life transitions, and my art could inspire renewal.  Seems like a fit!  I’m super excited.

When I arrive at the school to share my presentation with the class, I propose the hospital venue as a potential market.  The students seem to understand the epic importance of my work and how inspirational it all is.  I’m now excited AND super confident.  Let me add that I brought my favorite painting with me to show the class, an abstract that portrays creativity and passion, but I dropped it on the sidewalk, shattering the glass, and had to leave it in the car.  Hmmm.  (You see what is coming, don't you?)

First the hospital thing falls through.  I go to all the meetings, which are attended by everyone from starving artists to corporate big wigs.  Oh, my goodness, the competition and egos!  I am reminded of exactly why I stopped my professional art career years ago;  but I push ahead and submit my proposal anyway, including a grand  description of the gifts my art offers to people in transition.  Surprise, surprise, I get rejected.

The class comes back to me with their proposals at the end of the semester, but I forget to ask them for the hard copies of their presentations.  I manage to track down one of the students now on her summer break, get her notes, and re-create a logo on my own.  I whip together a possible marketing strategy.  I contact the teacher and give her my goodies, but a life situation arises for her and she is no longer available to help me.   

The air in this balloon has now fully deflated.  Something changed, and all the supportive energy drained right out of my dream.  My heart is breaking, and I am feeling really scared.  I don’t know what to do next.  With true sincerity, I sense into what I need to know...and it is really painful.  Here is the skinny:  I have not cleared my core issues, so I do not yet recognize the unconditional value of my being;  therefore, my actions are mis-directed because I am still trying to prove something to other people and to myself.  Additionally, I’ve been trying to force healing on others instead of allowing my own.  This part of me that has been pushing to create an impact is the very part of me that needs to be integrated, and it is now time to put everything down and allow that to happen.  ​

Oh.  &%$#@!  (*sob*)  (*sniffle*)  &%$#@&^   #@*&^@#%$#@!!!!  (*deep sigh*)

So, my attempt to push passion uphill hit the hard wall, and I could no longer use this strategy to distract myself from my inner work.  How then was I to bring myself into an integrated state and attract authentic passion back into my life?  Ironically, it happened by allowing.

Allow false passion to fall away.

I first had to let go of my agenda completely, which was trickier than I realized.  This meant becoming aware of every “I should,” “I have to,” and “what will happen if I don’t” that drove my choice-making like a bully with a whip.  For some twisted reason, I thought this bully kept me safe and I found it hard to ignore his screaming.

The next step was to allow anything that was no longer serving me, but that I thought I couldn’t live without (e.g. roles, identities, hobbies, habits, and even treasured relationships), to dissolve or be redesigned as needed.  Some things changed organically.  In other situations, a clear choice was required.  This experience was truly excruciating. 

Chaos Theory describes how one small catalyst can have sweeping effects - the breeze created by a butterfly's flapping wings can create a hurricane on the other side of the world.  My inner butterfly was causing havoc.  I saw how a single choice, made with soul knowledge by a very scared human, unravelled everything I thought was important to me; and I knew for a fact that these endings were felt by every life I had ever lived.

Allow the ABC's of anti-passion.

My deconstruction brought to an end a long karmic cycle, and I felt the deep grief that comes with letting go of a way of being that had sustained me for many incarnations.  

What remained after emptying out was an epic void I could not fill, except with these little darlings:  Anxiety, Bitterness, Chaos, Despair, Ennui, Fatigue, and Grief.  

I was miserable.  I felt like a failure.  I had no idea what to do next and I wallowed in self-pity, not for a few short weeks or even months, but for years.  

Allow the void.

Someone once told me that the scariest place to be is alone with yourself.  I heartily agree, for it is there that your shadow finds you.  When there was nowhere left to run, and no place left to hide, I came face-to-face with all my unaccepted bits and the tangled knot of my beliefs and conditioning.  Loosening the threads to liberate myself required complete allowing.  

Since power had been my conditioned response to everything (eat or be eaten, save or suffer, fight or flee), I could do nothing to help this process along because the way I did everything was conditioned.  I simply had to “be” and allow my consciousness to lift really uncomfortable truths up into my awareness and then let the patterns work out of my body and life.  Micro-management created more suffering.

I was surprised to see how duality had ruled me.  I could sense I was once a very “dark” priestess.  In response to the horrors of that experience, I ran the other way as far as I could and became a very “bright” priest who was intellectual to the max and, ironically, equally brutal and controlling (but this time in the name of righteousness). These were long-running themes.

Consequently, the first 50 years of this life were all about being virtuous and pure.  I was afraid of expression, afraid of my gifts, afraid to be seen, afraid to make waves.  I was trapped between two fundamental extremes and could find no peace.  This lifetime, it seems, was destined to be the time of my integration, so when being whole became more essential than being good, my great deconstruction began.  

The resulting void allowed me to bring my wounded masculine and feminine aspects back together again.  Their reunion created a safe space for my rebirth, which is something my scorpio astrology celebrates and has supported.

​Allow re-imagining.

The void isn’t empty, though it feels that way at first.  It is the spaciousness that holds all of who we are and all of our possibilities.  I think it is similar to the quantum vacuum, which physicists describe as the ground state of energy for the universe.  Our time in the void puts us lovingly in our own chrysalis, where we can reconnect with our potentials and begin re-imagining ourselves.  

Butterflies have this concept nailed down.  The caterpillar knows when it is time, creates his own container, and allows himself to go completely to juice within those safe confines. It is in the liquified state that the imaginal cells (yup, that is what they are actually called) go to work and and bring forth the potential of flight that had been lying dormant, awaiting the perfect moment to be realized.  

So it is for me.  My evolutionary potential, which had always been there in hiding, is now revealing itself.  I also see that my gifts and abilities survived deconstruction.  They are in a clear, pure state, stripped of my egoic needs and motivations, and I'm waiting to see how they now want to be expressed.

​

Allow the unexpected.

In the early stages of my emergence, new beginnings came to me, but they were things I didn’t recognize, or even know I wanted.  At first I tried to push them away because my old caterpillar mind never would have chosen them, nor believed I was worthy of having them, but they were things I was actually ready to have.  Ironically, some things that I desperately desired were delayed or denied, and that was appropriate as well.  Everything came in perfect service, even the stuff I didn't want at all. 

I learned the new really does come to you...in its own good timing.  Pursuit is perilous.  We want to fill the void because the emptiness is uncomfortable, but if we break out of our chrysalis before the cooking state is complete, the half-formed goo that dribbles out will never fly.  Patience is necessary.

When my mind gets stuck in doubt, my new butterfly self bypasses it completely, bringing in new potentials through side doors that are unguarded. Once in, the new potential can’t be denied, and my mind opens into it.  ​This newness then engages my curiosity, and sparks a childlike passion that seems to rise in sporadic whiffs and bursts that I can neither cling to nor command.  Most often, I feel passion sneak up on me in the simple acts of daily living when I would least expect it.  Instead of heat and fire, it glows in quiet moments of joy.  

I discovered this first while cooking, which is a task I used to find monotonous, frustrating, and unfulfilling.  I live now with a chef, and he’s been inviting me into a new sensual world where I can follow my curiosity, play with ideas, and enjoy the fruits of my labors.  Much to my surprise one day, I realized how much fun I was having in the kitchen.  It totally snuck up on me.

I’ve learned too that passion builds and reveals itself in layers.  A chef creates layers of flavor when preparing a dish and orchestrating a meal.  This is true also for the watercolor artist who applies the paint in separate layers so the colors shine through each other.  It is true for the writer, who plays with words, editing and rewriting, until the desired flavors and colors emerge.  It is true for the composer and for the singer.  A song has layers that are built through the choice of key, of chord progression, of note and lyric, and this is woven together by the singer through the beauty of a nuanced performance. 

I’m learning that to be an artist of life is to bring my awareness into the sensuous layers of daily living.  The more I pay attention this way, I see even my senses are layered.  Perceiving through love, and beauty, and unity isn’t a linear experience.  They flow through and over each other, and energy responds in a grand dance that calls forth passion.

Passion enjoys the vulnerable and the visceral and is never afraid to be visible, even when things are messy or chaotic.  Nor does passion care about proving anything or changing anything.  It never needs validation.  Passion rises naturally when I dive into the spectacular, juicy, paradoxical play of life.

My passion started to wake up through the simple act of conscious living.  No amount of pouting, or pondering, or pushing resuscitated it.  Instead it was my presence in the simplest of things that brought it forth, and it was playfulness that stirred the embers to flame.  

In reflection, it seems that the reunion of my dualistic priest and priestess birthed a magical Divine Child.  She is the love child of the feminine creative heart and the masculine divine mind.  She attracts new free energy, and she knows it responds to her effortlessly.  She has no need for anything.  She is simply in joy.  I'm inviting this child-like wonder to be my constant playmate because Passion, it seems, is Presence at Play.  ​

I’m now feeling the nudge to get some ice cream…in a cone, dipped in chocolate…with sprinkles…EXTRA sprinkles, so I believe this blog post is done. 😉

I’m seeing that new energy creation requires impeccable implicit trust...the kind of trust that knows that life itself is always serving my highest good.  This means surrendering into the flow love brings without trying to control it, knowing all is well already. 

This is just a teeny tiny shift from how I used to live (cough).  To trust is a leap.  There are no steps.  As Yoda said in The Empire Strikes Back, "Do or do not.  There is no try."   My mind, which tries to plan and control everything, is scared shitless by this.  

For many many lifetimes I gave my mind, so anxious to serve me, the responsibility to keep me safe.  This was an unfair request.  During the last month, my faithful mind started getting the memo that its role is changing.  It has been very anxious, grabbing on to what is leaving, trying to micromanage events, and using force to apply its agenda.  The new energy coming to me now is guided by love.  It does not need power.  Force of any kind only distorts the creation.  Hence the chaos and the pain.

I've been telling my mind it now has help.  If it expands beyond its beliefs, it can open to the knowingness and compassion that is my true nature.  I'm asking my mind to relax into a new role...receiving.  

This is evolving awkwardly.  There are moments when my mind shuts down completely.  The center of my head aches, and I feel disoriented.  I struggle with everyday tasks.  Then there will be waves of bliss when a chunk of the old mental programming dissolves and my mind unwinds into the safe space within me.  

Love, of course, brings up every belief that isn't in alignment with receiving grace.  Every dark, scared, guilty, shame-ridden part of me comes screaming to the surface; and as they rise, so does the fear, and the pain, and all the stories.  When my body starts releasing and changing, my mind jerks back into autopilot, and I have to redirect my awareness back into my calm center yet again. 

So back to the heart of me I go where all these shadows are loved just as they are and the resistance melts.  There I can relax, and my mind will quiet and allow the energies to move once again.  It is taking longer that I would like to melt through all these layers...but that is just my mind's opinion.  Another part of me knows it is already done. 

My mind is starting to recognize the knowingness within me and receive it.  This knowingness KNOWS what is best for me.  It is very direct and clear, but it gives no reasons or explanations.  It just knows.  When I recognize this knowing, and choose to honor it, life flows and magic happens.  I feel joy. ​

One might think resistance was not the best strategy, but some of these shadow aspects were really intense, and quite frankly, I didn't want to accept them.  What practically perfect angel would?  These were real halo-tarnishers, if you get my drift.  

Grace, however, had a different perspective.  Freedom required allowing, and about this She was most insistent.  I've gotten the memo that the parts of me I'm resisting will continue to poke at me, sabotage me, and look back at me through the eyes of others, until the day I allow them to fully integrate within me.  ​

I was born in October on the cusp between Libra (the balanced and beautiful) and Scorpio (the maestro of power and revealer all things dark and secret).  These are interesting characters to reconcile within.  For a long time, I hid behind a nice-girl persona that seemed safe and acceptable.  In truth, I wore this costume in an attempt to make up for all the lifetimes where I played the demon priestess (and let me tell you, I rocked the house with that one).  

To my surprise I am learning that the Real Me is whole and embodies both the light and the dark in an integrated way.  She enjoys playing dress-up, loves all the antics, and truly doesn’t care what costume she wears because she thinks they are all fun!  Go figure.  I can put on any costume I want for the experience.  In fact, every moment offers a potential costume change, a chance to show up in whatever way feels the most authentic.  It surprises me still when my most appropriate response to a given situation isn’t my conditioned one.

Since autumn is my birth season, it represents the beginning of the new year to me, and I’ve been reflecting on how my Grand Actor wants to show up in the coming months.  What rose up was surprising - I heard it is time to stop hiding.  ​

These past five years or so have been rather cataclysmic, and I will be the first to admit that I hid away to nurse my wounds.  During my cave time, the parts of me I relied on for survival shriveled up and fell away.  My passion for life faded.  I didn’t want to do anything and had no desire to create or expand.  I became a hermit…a very very quiet one.

In the stillness, something new started forming, but I couldn’t fully understand it.  It is now making itself known and wants to emerge from its transformational chrysalis. I, however, am pretty comfy in my secret hidey-hole.  Okay, maybe my safe space has become a little stagnant, a bit boring, a tad cramped, and yes, I do dream about stretching my wings;  but I remember the battle scars I received when I let my freak flag fly in the past.  What will people think if I let this rogue bad-ass butterfly that I don’t fully understand yet fly free in the wide open sky?  What chaos might ensue?  Will my new presence be applauded or denied?  (Probably both…hence the hiding.)

Transformation has been a rather messy process.  Both the old me and the new are swirling together in a morphing soup, yet I can feel my butterfly self waiting for my trust so she can fully emerge.  She is ready to move forward.  Just recently I had to make a clear choice and turn the controls over to her to preserve my inner peace.  ​

This felt a bit like putting a crystal child into the pilot seat of a temperamental WW2 Bomber.  What does she know of archaic aircraft?  For goodness sake, this child has wings!  She doesn’t need a plane at all!  She kindly agreed to let me keep a plane-like container, but informed me there will be some significant upgrades that she will design and install.  Flight might be a bit bumpy as we work out the details, yet she assures me it will all work out just fine in the end and will be a grand experiment…I mean experience.

I figured we would have lots of time to practice flying in secret and later make a grand and proper entrance, but a funny think happened when I gave my butterfly self the controls: everybody seemed to know!  I had not said a word, yet somehow the word got out on the psychic butterfly billboard.  People who once new me, even if they lived thousands of miles away and hadn’t seen me or talked to me in years, felt a change in the wind and started reaching out energetically or in person.  It was as if they could tell something big was changing.  ​

So the laugh is on me.  There really is no hiding expansion.  The magic that is opening up in me is already felt on some quantum level, so I might as well just suck it up, come out of the closet, and own it…even if I don’t yet understand it.  

What owning this will mean, I cannot tell you.  I have no real concept of what this butterfly looks like or how it will fly.  I don’t know what will change, how I will show up tomorrow, what will come out of my mouth, or just what it will be like for other people to be around me.  All I know is something wise and wonderful is moving and it would be best to not ride the brake.  I don’t have to understand it to BE it and allow it all to unfold.  So here goes!

This blog is my confession (yup, I’ve been hiding)…

And my promise (I will stop hiding now because somehow my mystery butterfly has pushed out into the open and is already felt, even if I can’t yet see it - *gulp*)…

And my admission (I have no clue what will happen next, but I suspect a new operating system will click into gear any moment, which should be super fun)…

And my invitation (keep reading month by month to discover right along with me what exciting adventures will unfold mid-air)…

Because magic is real, we have always been much more than we realize, and it is time to fly free.  Wooo Hooooooo…..

​This past week I went on retreat in the mountains.  During my time away, I had the joy of reading some of Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earthsea series, a wonderful collage of fantasy stories about magic and sorcery.  I followed an intuitive nudge to take these books with me, and they gave me quite an unexpected gift. 

In the book The Tombs of Atuan we learn the story of Tenar, a young girl stolen from her family and placed as the high priestess over ancient Powers of the Earth.  She loses everything, even her name, to become the hands of the darkness she serves.  When Tenar is given a chance to escape, she discovers that to receive freedom she must lose all she knows yet again.  It strikes her that it would be easier to die than to go forward, forgive herself, and build a new life.​

Tenar’s story touched me deeply, and the book revealed a great truth:  freedom is chosen, it is not given to us by something outside of ourselves, and the choice to be free can be a hard one and the journey arduous.
​

At the end of my retreat, I took a six mile hike back to an alpine lake.  This lake and the valley it sits in are very special to me, but I have not been there in 15 years.  I held it apart from me, afraid I couldn’t get there because of my physical limitations.  Or, it dawns on me now, perhaps I was waiting to go there to celebrate a special rite of passage. 

On my walk the sky was blue and the aspens a brilliant gold.  My body felt strong and my mind amazingly free.  I wept in joy when I arrived at the lake.  ​

Sitting on the shore by my favorite rock and tree, I was held in the beauty of this place that is so special to my heart, and I realized new beginnings are available every moment, no matter the past, if we can but turn forward and embrace them.
​  

This is my story.  I remember the day I asked for grace.  I was deeply stuck, fatigued and in pain, and I asked what it would take to free myself so I could feel vital and alive again.  ​

The answer came from within.   "Freedom is possible, but you must experience a death to have it."  

This was not what I wanted to hear.  "Death?  Like DEATH?  You mean I have to die to heal?"  I panicked at the thought of this. 

"Death is death, my dear," answered Grace.  "Though you may stay in your body, the life you know will end.  You built this life within a pattern.  If you release the old pattern and choose a new one, everything in your life will evolve.  It can be no other way, so choose carefully.  Be sure."

I knew my life force was fading.  If I didn’t change, my health would fail.  Death was an inevitable outcome regardless;  so I chose, and everything started to unravel. 

I recently had dinner with some new friends that have experienced similar rebirthings.  We were laughing about our tragi-comic journeys and how they were nothing like what we expected at the onset.  One of the ladies compared her experience to the children's book Fortunately, Unfortunately by Michael Foreman, saying she always landed on her feet like a cat, but each fall seemed fraught with more danger and somehow set up the next worst thing.  "It was as if I avoided an accident by swerving around the car in front of me, but then, Oh NO, I was flying through the guard rail.  I lived through that, but then Oh NOO, I was falling straight toward a river.  Okay, I somehow survived the epic splash, but then, Oh NOOO, I realized I was floating right toward the lip of a huge waterfall!"  Each challenge always led to another bigger one until the core issue was resolved.

Here are some examples of how this has panned out for me:

• I changed the dynamic in one relationship, and much to my surprise, all my other relationships changed too.  In fact, most of them ended, because I was now different and the magnetics that held us together weren't the same.

• I decided to claim my abundance, and then lost my job, my money, and my creative passion.  In each area, I was looking outside of myself and bartering for energy.  I could not continue these power games and receive my inner grace, so they fell away.

• I chose health, and all the old stuck energies in my body rose up for clearing.  As a result, I felt sicker than ever.

• I decided to free myself from ancestral patterns and both my parents died.  I was deeply attached to them so this was a difficult loss.  I then faced the daunting task of sorting through generational possessions and beliefs, releasing everything that no longer served me so I could truly re-invent myself.

• I realized loving myself had to be my priority, but the more I loved myself, the more my inner demons and un-loved aspects came forward so I could integrate them and eventually trust myself again.

​
A whole new life began to emerge through this process, but getting there turned me upside down and forced me to face some very challenging things.  I grieved my past and felt ungrounded without it.  I was also very uncertain about the future, but Grace kept moving me forward in the present, pulling my fingers away from my eyes, showing me what I needed to see, and catalyzing the next leap.

My  re-imagining took several years.  The more I allowed, the more my imbalances rose up in that safe space for healing.  Distorted strategies I had relied on for survival started to unravel.  I had identified with these strategies and made them part of my persona, so when they dissolved, I actually felt like I was dying.  My terror was enormous.  

During the darkest days, Grace wasted no energy making my circumstances prettier.  It did not redecorate my prison cell, because it's goal was nothing less than freedom.  It revealed the price I was paying for my choices and why I had chosen them, and then it showed me a different path.  My job was to trust implicitly, receive every experience as perfect, stay curious, and release my attachments to results.  I couldn't micromanage anything, because ironically, the part of me that wanted to control my journey was the very part that was being remade.  

If this sounds hard, I admit it was; and yet, it was also perfect.  Releasing what I wasn't so I could experience what I Am was worth everything that happened, and I'm eternally grateful for the freedom I reclaimed through the process.  I wouldn't want to relive the journey, but I would not make a different choice today.  In truth, I'd reached a point where I couldn't sustain the old patterns any longer.  I needed to create a different reality to thrive.​

We've come a long way together, Grace and I.  My life is now much more harmonious and simple.  I have greater clarity, and therefore less drama.  There is flow and synchronicity that now holds and carries me.  Fierce Grace has been the gift that just keeps on giving.  It is the merciless mercy of unconditional love.

Last month we described the three criteria for creation - or the magic methods you must master to “live your dream”.   They are:

1. Feel and Choose - Pull up the energy of different potentials and feel the feeling of experiencing them in your body, then pick the potential that feels the best. 
2. Act As If  - Hold the frequency of having what you desire, knowing it is coming to you, even when your “reality” appears otherwise.  
3. Trust, Receive, and Respond - Receive everything that comes to you no matter what it may look like trusting that it is coming in service to your choice, and then respond by refining your frequency to attract your desired creation. 

This month, I want to give you a real life example of how this works.

A while back my partner, Joe, and I decided to take a journey to the Pacific Northwest.  As we planned our journey, we kept sensing some chaotic potentials in the state of Washington.  When we arrived there, the intuitive nudge got even stronger, so we decided to feel into the potentials and pick the best one.  

We did this independently, each doing a little imagination exercise where we pulled up three different bubbles and filled each one with the energy of a likely potential.  Then we felt into each bubble and compared notes.  

​Amazingly, we each got the same results!  Bubble #1 felt very depressing, Bubble #2 was jagged and extremely uncomfortable, and Bubble #3 gave us happy tingles.  We chose the third potential because it felt the best by far.  We didn't know any details, though, needless-to-say, we were very curious!

A few days later, we set up camp in Mount Rainier National Park.  It was late, we were hungry, and we rushed the job.  As we started to lift the top of our pop-up camper, one corner didn’t lift. We had forgotten to unlatch it, and much to our horror, we bent one the metal bars in the lift system, almost to the point of breaking it.  

Despair and self-recrimination loomed.  It was one of those moments where you wish you could go back and have a do-over.  The roof was listing badly, and we weren’t sure if we could get the top up, if it would stay up, or if we would be able to get it back down.   

It was getting dark, but we had to take a "time out" and stop before we made anything worse.  It was time to put away the big hammer we were using to beat ourselves up and take a few deep breaths.  As soon as we calmed down, we remembered the bubbles.  Here was our opportunity to walk our talk!  We had picked ease and grace, and going into a despairing pity party was not going to help us receive a positive outcome;  so we closed our eyes and called back that beautiful bubble until we could feel the energy of those happy tingles and affirm our choice.

​After assessing the situation again from a calmer vantage point, we lifted the roof and propped it up with a board so it wouldn’t collapse on us.  Then we made a nice dinner, had some wine, found the humor in the situation, and decided to see what the next day would bring.

In the morning we went to the pay phone and called the manufacturer to see if spare parts were available.  Our pop-up was deemed a dinosaur and we were told our best bet was to find a machine shop.  When we felt into the potential of driving into Seattle to find a place, the energy was very very jagged.  Not the best choice.

​Out of ideas for the time being, we went for a hike, trusting a solution would appear.  We walked for a bit, felt we should walk further, walked some more, and then met a gentleman resting on the side of the trail.  Our eyes connected with his and I could feel a spark shoot between us.  We ended up walking together, and by the time we reached the waterfall, Joe had shared our situation with him.  He gave us his phone number, suggesting we call him when we left the park.  He thought he might be able to help us.  

We had no idea where he lived, but I remembered his T-shirt had a nearby town printed on it and we headed in that direction.  After finding a campsite, we called him, and learned we were about a mile from his home.  The next day this delightful gentleman drove Joe an hour away to a metal shop where his buddies built boats.  They dropped everything to weld a repair…free of charge.  Meanwhile, the man's wife and daughter took me to lunch in one of the cutest little towns you could ever imagine.  All-in-all, a grace-filled, joyful day!  Bubble #3 was right on the mark.  We just needed to trust, allow the solution to come to us, and follow the thread so we could receive the grace.  

So there you go, a real-life example of mocking up the best possible outcome.  We had three likely potentials when we broke the camper.  Bubble #1 was depressing.  We could have beaten ourselves up and chosen a victim mentality, but we didn’t (at least not for very long).  Bubble #2 was jagged.  We could have chased a solution in Seattle, but the energy of this potential felt very risky so we let it go.  Bubble #3 was beautiful.  It came to us.  It met us on the path and brought the perfect solution straight to us with no struggle or effort or expense.  Ease and grace!  Our experience was joyful and we even made new friends.

Creation can be as easy as feeling and choosing your best potential, acting as if the solution is already present, and then trusting what comes to you.  Play with this concept this month.  See what miracles you can conjure!

​Until next time, may you be in awareness.

During this time of year, when there are SO many feelings...regret, bittersweet remembrance, loneliness, playfulness, gratitude, hope for renewal...I find myself retreating into the quiet, out of the madness of religious wars, commercialism, and social duty, and diving deep into my inner stillness.

The illusions of the season long ago lost their luster for me, and I've made peace with what is now.  What has emerged on the far side of festivity is deeper, quieter, and much more catalytic.  It has little to do with family or presents or parties.  Those have largely drifted on beyond me.  It has nothing to do with Christian tradition.  It has everything to do with transfiguration. 

I use that word intentionally.

When the night is long, and shadows are deep, and the cold can be felt in my bones, this is when I am closest to the Divine within, who holds my shadow until I am ready to hold it myself.  It is during this time that I find soul alchemy is most accessible.  My heart is broken open.  I am available.  I am without agenda...without distraction.

My gift to myself during this time of potential is to surrender into the mystery of the emptiness...to allow the brilliance of all my experience, release it to be transformed, and celebrate the void that remains.  This sacred emptiness is my birthing chamber.  It is the cauldron that holds my vast past and all that is still possible.  Then the fire of my acceptance and witness burns away my story.  It distills my wisdom into gold.  It creates space for the more of me that is waiting to shine through and create a new day.

This is alchemy of the highest order.  The darkness in me, once withheld from my love, marries with my inner light and there is a birth of something new, something compassionate and creative.  It is a dawn like no other, and the gift of my allowing.

Wherever you may be in your own journey, celebrating new life or releasing into endings, I hope you feel grace holding you in the knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and you are loved exactly as you are.

May this coming trip around the sun illuminate us all.

Blessings.