Love...It Ain't What I Thought It Was
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I’ve been thinking about my experience of love and how it’s been evolving from something quite conditional into a fearless allowing of my darkest shadows.
Now this journey has not been without it’s bumps. In truth, it's often felt like a rollercoaster ride with some magnificent dips and curlicues. Each time life would smooth out, l'd bump into another part of me I'd been resisting, and the ground beneath me would fall away once again, my stomach would flip, my body would clench, and I’d pay the price of the ride with another round of drama.
Now this journey has not been without it’s bumps. In truth, it's often felt like a rollercoaster ride with some magnificent dips and curlicues. Each time life would smooth out, l'd bump into another part of me I'd been resisting, and the ground beneath me would fall away once again, my stomach would flip, my body would clench, and I’d pay the price of the ride with another round of drama.
One might think resistance was not the best strategy, but some of these shadow aspects were really intense, and quite frankly, I didn't want to accept them. What practically perfect angel would? These were real halo-tarnishers, if you get my drift.
Grace, however, had a different perspective. Freedom required allowing, and about this She was most insistent. I've gotten the memo that the parts of me I'm resisting will continue to poke at me, sabotage me, and look back at me through the eyes of others, until the day I allow them to fully integrate within me.
Grace, however, had a different perspective. Freedom required allowing, and about this She was most insistent. I've gotten the memo that the parts of me I'm resisting will continue to poke at me, sabotage me, and look back at me through the eyes of others, until the day I allow them to fully integrate within me.
Can We Create New Things From Old Patterns?
In recent days I've watched millions of people protesting against the United States' newly elected president and his choices, and it reminded me of my own revolt against what I considered unacceptable within me. While I honor the passion of these protestors to build a better life, my personal experience has been that what I resist persists. The world acts as my mirror. It shows me what I am not loving in myself. To fight against what I can't accept is to break myself further in two.
Physics reveals that our reality is formed by our point of attention; so, if I am focused on "the fight," then I will receive one and, of course, dig into it righteously, not realizing that the duality I am battling is the flip side of the same coin I'm gripping, and this just keeps the old currency in play. I can’t choose anything new that way. Only by accepting the unacceptable in me, and allowing the energies to rebalance, can I create without force in new ways that inspire and transform.
Come on an adventure with me...
Physics reveals that our reality is formed by our point of attention; so, if I am focused on "the fight," then I will receive one and, of course, dig into it righteously, not realizing that the duality I am battling is the flip side of the same coin I'm gripping, and this just keeps the old currency in play. I can’t choose anything new that way. Only by accepting the unacceptable in me, and allowing the energies to rebalance, can I create without force in new ways that inspire and transform.
Come on an adventure with me...
Accepting The Unacceptable
Imagine you are a drop of water at the very bottom of the ocean.
It is really dark and cold.
Huge gravity is pushing in on you from every side.
You can’t move, you can’t see.
Panic starts to bloom.
You want nothing more than to get out of the dark scary spot you are in,
and you want to be out of it NOW,
so you push against the gravity and try to fight your way out.
You push and push and push until you have no more pushing in you,
but you make no headway.
The harder you push, the more you are resisted.
Exhausted, you give up the fight.
Depression floods through you.
You can really feel the cold now.
The darkness and silence are spell-binding.
Fear rises so vividly it is almost a sensual thing,
and in an odd way, it makes you feel desperately alive.
There is nothing left to do but feel.
As you do, your senses open. You feel even more deeply.
Then, suddenly, you realize the pressure is releasing,
and this makes you very curious.
You expand your awareness out into the vast nothingness all around you,
and are surprised to discover
the darkness doesn’t consume you as you feared it might.
You still exist.
You keep expanding, feeling into everything,
and the gravity lightens even more.
You start to feel warmer currents flow past you.
You see sunlight dancing down, so you follow the light and break the surface.
The wind carries you in a wave toward shore.
You meld with a river.
You are absorbed up into the sky.
You dance in a summer shower and become a rainbow.
It is really dark and cold.
Huge gravity is pushing in on you from every side.
You can’t move, you can’t see.
Panic starts to bloom.
You want nothing more than to get out of the dark scary spot you are in,
and you want to be out of it NOW,
so you push against the gravity and try to fight your way out.
You push and push and push until you have no more pushing in you,
but you make no headway.
The harder you push, the more you are resisted.
Exhausted, you give up the fight.
Depression floods through you.
You can really feel the cold now.
The darkness and silence are spell-binding.
Fear rises so vividly it is almost a sensual thing,
and in an odd way, it makes you feel desperately alive.
There is nothing left to do but feel.
As you do, your senses open. You feel even more deeply.
Then, suddenly, you realize the pressure is releasing,
and this makes you very curious.
You expand your awareness out into the vast nothingness all around you,
and are surprised to discover
the darkness doesn’t consume you as you feared it might.
You still exist.
You keep expanding, feeling into everything,
and the gravity lightens even more.
You start to feel warmer currents flow past you.
You see sunlight dancing down, so you follow the light and break the surface.
The wind carries you in a wave toward shore.
You meld with a river.
You are absorbed up into the sky.
You dance in a summer shower and become a rainbow.
I was given this vision at a time when I needed it most. Afterwards, I started opening into my experiences and sensing them as fully as I could. This didn't mean I liked what was happening in my deep water life (I didn't), but instead of pushing the experience away, I brought my awareness into it, and suddenly, the heavy energies that had been locked down for a long long time started moving. This hurt even more. It was emotionally disturbing. But I just kept opening and feeling and being as curious as I could be.
Then I noticed something very new - there were other potentials swimming right beside the part of me that was stuck in my underworld. I could suddenly feel the sun, and the waves, and the rainbow, AND the bottom of the ocean, all at the same time. The darker potentials didn't go away (they were valid options); but it dawned on me that by resisting them, I was holding them between me and my lighter potentials. By opening up and fully feeling them, I freed myself to experience new things.
The more I became aware of the whole ocean, the more my stories about good and bad dissolved. I started to see the wisdom those darker journeys had given me, and as I received the wisdom, the harsh magnetics fell away. I no longer felt trapped and could experience things in a much more sensual way. The parts of me that had been waiting for my witness and compassion began to feel safe again. Patterns untangled. I started to trust myself.
While this was a very beautiful beginning, it was also the end of the person I used to be…the one who chose to be trapped. I'd invested a lot in this old persona. Limited though she was, she was a pretty cool character, and I knew I wouldn't be playing her any more. This was disorientating. I'm now swimming in uncharted waters where there are no patterns or rules. I have to feel my way forward.
Then I noticed something very new - there were other potentials swimming right beside the part of me that was stuck in my underworld. I could suddenly feel the sun, and the waves, and the rainbow, AND the bottom of the ocean, all at the same time. The darker potentials didn't go away (they were valid options); but it dawned on me that by resisting them, I was holding them between me and my lighter potentials. By opening up and fully feeling them, I freed myself to experience new things.
The more I became aware of the whole ocean, the more my stories about good and bad dissolved. I started to see the wisdom those darker journeys had given me, and as I received the wisdom, the harsh magnetics fell away. I no longer felt trapped and could experience things in a much more sensual way. The parts of me that had been waiting for my witness and compassion began to feel safe again. Patterns untangled. I started to trust myself.
While this was a very beautiful beginning, it was also the end of the person I used to be…the one who chose to be trapped. I'd invested a lot in this old persona. Limited though she was, she was a pretty cool character, and I knew I wouldn't be playing her any more. This was disorientating. I'm now swimming in uncharted waters where there are no patterns or rules. I have to feel my way forward.
Creating Safe Space
I don't think I am the only one experiencing this kind of re-invention. We live in chaotic and evolutionary times. Hidden shadows are coming up and out, staring us right in the face. Our beliefs are being turned upside down. Old systems and structures are falling apart. Our old ways aren't working any more, and this feels scary, but resisting these endings will not help us create new beginnings, nor will fighting against the things that disturb us. These shadows are rising to be seen and integrated into a new balance within us. If we slap at what we don't like, it will slap back, and we will lock the old patterns in deeper.
As my Valentine’s Day gift to you, I’d like to share a song with you that I wrote several years ago. It describes the moment when I realized I had to stop fighting and accept what I had created in my life. Sometimes Love asks us to surrender our attachments, release the very things we’ve fought so hard for (or against), and be present with an open heart to whatever is happening right now. This was such a moment for me. Without accepting the ending of my story and honoring my part in it, without feeling my sadness and allowing the emptiness that followed, I could never have imagined what was coming next, nor been able to receive it.
As you listen, my invitation to you is to be curious about and open to what disturbs you. I’ve found that staying sensually sense-fully present, and feeling everything, without making judgments that close the heart, IS the way I create safe space for myself and for everything else. Awareness is the "still point" through which anything becomes possible because nothing is being resisted. It is how the unlovable is loved by the eternal within us.
Here is “Soft Place to Land.” (© 2009 Donna Van Keuren)
As my Valentine’s Day gift to you, I’d like to share a song with you that I wrote several years ago. It describes the moment when I realized I had to stop fighting and accept what I had created in my life. Sometimes Love asks us to surrender our attachments, release the very things we’ve fought so hard for (or against), and be present with an open heart to whatever is happening right now. This was such a moment for me. Without accepting the ending of my story and honoring my part in it, without feeling my sadness and allowing the emptiness that followed, I could never have imagined what was coming next, nor been able to receive it.
As you listen, my invitation to you is to be curious about and open to what disturbs you. I’ve found that staying sensually sense-fully present, and feeling everything, without making judgments that close the heart, IS the way I create safe space for myself and for everything else. Awareness is the "still point" through which anything becomes possible because nothing is being resisted. It is how the unlovable is loved by the eternal within us.
Here is “Soft Place to Land.” (© 2009 Donna Van Keuren)
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