There was once a woman who asked for Grace.
This woman loved her family and her friends. She tried to live right and do good things for others, and she desired good things in return. She really wanted to enjoy her life, but for some reason, it was getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning and she often felt sick. Something wasn't right, but she didn't know how to fix the problem so she asked Grace to come in and help her.
Grace was just waiting for this invitation. It heard her immediately and flowed right in. Grace saw into the cells of her body. It felt her feelings, and it knew her thoughts, even the thoughts that were unwanted. It was perceptive and wise, and saw the patterns and blocks that held her.
Grace knew the woman had outgrown her life situation; it understood the medicine that was needed to free her, and it wasted no time getting to work. No bandaids were given, nothing to medicate the pain or gloss it over, because Grace knew the woman's discomfort would motivate her to allow changes. Instead, Grace dove deep down to the core issue that was causing the problem, something the woman did not see herself, grabbed it by the root, and yanked it right up to the surface.
Grace knew the woman was held in place by her identity, and pulled it right out, revealing the beliefs underneath, and breaking the threads that bound her. Once she was out of the mud, the gravity of her past experiences still clung to her, and it took many hard shakes and a few deep cleanses to release her old ways. The woman looked back at the life she had before and she knew she could not go back into it, yet she did not know how to create a new life. Grace had moved her into uncharted territory.
The answer came from within. "Freedom is possible, but you must experience a death to have it."
This was not what I wanted to hear. "Death? Like DEATH? You mean I have to die to heal?" I panicked at the thought of this.
"Death is death, my dear," answered Grace. "Though you may stay in your body, the life you know will end. You built this life within a pattern. If you release the old pattern and choose a new one, everything in your life will evolve. It can be no other way, so choose carefully. Be sure."
I knew my life force was fading. If I didn’t change, my health would fail. Death was an inevitable outcome regardless; so I chose, and everything started to unravel.
I recently had dinner with some new friends that have experienced similar rebirthings. We were laughing about our tragi-comic journeys and how they were nothing like what we expected at the onset. One of the ladies compared her experience to the children's book Fortunately, Unfortunately by Michael Foreman, saying she always landed on her feet like a cat, but each fall seemed fraught with more danger and somehow set up the next worst thing. "It was as if I avoided an accident by swerving around the car in front of me, but then, Oh NO, I was flying through the guard rail. I lived through that, but then Oh NOO, I was falling straight toward a river. Okay, I somehow survived the epic splash, but then, Oh NOOO, I realized I was floating right toward the lip of a huge waterfall!" Each challenge always led to another bigger one until the core issue was resolved.
- I changed the dynamic in one relationship, and much to my surprise, all my other relationships changed too. In fact, most of them ended, because I was now different and the magnetics that held us together weren't the same.
- I decided to claim my abundance, and then lost my job, my money, and my creative passion. In each area, I was looking outside of myself and bartering for energy. I could not continue these power games and receive my inner grace, so they fell away.
- I chose health, and all the old stuck energies in my body rose up for clearing. As a result, I felt sicker than ever.
- I decided to free myself from ancestral patterns and both my parents died. I was deeply attached to them so this was a difficult loss. I then faced the daunting task of sorting through generational possessions and beliefs, releasing everything that no longer served me so I could truly re-invent myself.
- I realized loving myself had to be my priority, but the more I loved myself, the more my inner demons and un-loved aspects came forward so I could integrate them and eventually trust myself again.
A whole new life began to emerge through this process, but getting there turned me upside down and forced me to face some very challenging things. I grieved my past and felt ungrounded without it. I was also very uncertain about the future, but Grace kept moving me forward in the present, pulling my fingers away from my eyes, showing me what I needed to see, and catalyzing the next leap.
My re-imagining took several years. The more I allowed, the more my imbalances rose up in that safe space for healing. Distorted strategies I had relied on for survival started to unravel. I had identified with these strategies and made them part of my persona, so when they dissolved, I actually felt like I was dying. My terror was enormous.
During the darkest days, Grace wasted no energy making my circumstances prettier. It did not redecorate my prison cell, because it's goal was nothing less than freedom. It revealed the price I was paying for my choices and why I had chosen them, and then it showed me a different path. My job was to trust implicitly, receive every experience as perfect, stay curious, and release my attachments to results. I couldn't micromanage anything, because ironically, the part of me that wanted to control my journey was the very part that was being remade.
If this sounds hard, I admit it was; and yet, it was also perfect. Releasing what I wasn't so I could experience what I Am was worth everything that happened, and I'm eternally grateful for the freedom I reclaimed through the process. I wouldn't want to relive the journey, but I would not make a different choice today. In truth, I'd reached a point where I couldn't sustain the old patterns any longer. I needed to create a different reality to thrive.
We've come a long way together, Grace and I. My life is now much more harmonious and simple. I have greater clarity, and therefore less drama. There is flow and synchronicity that now holds and carries me. Fierce Grace has been the gift that just keeps on giving. It is the merciless mercy of unconditional love.