Today, with my incredible 20/20 hindsight, I see all the stupid things I did. I was naive. I was reckless. I had tunnel vision. I was a stubborn perfectionist, a puritanical pugilist, pushing and punishing myself and everyone else. ("I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!") I was determined to do the right thing andl I forged ahead like a fanatic using all the force of my will and magical powers.
Not the best plan. Ah, the wisdom of old age.
Today I see that I gripped the reality I wanted out of fear. I needed certain things to be a certain way because I didn't feel safe otherwise. I needed to uphold my practically perfect personality. I wanted to be what everyone wanted me to be, I tried to please others so they would like me at any cost, I took on their pain as my own so I would feel valuable, I heroically tried to fix and save the world according to my agenda whether it needed it or not, because, you know..I needed it.
As I peer back through my bifocals (the classy transition kind), I see that these choices created illness, loneliness, a great sense of helplessness, and no small amount of anger. My choices didn't give me what I thought they would at all. They delivered me to Opposite Land, and I was miserable there. Hence the matches...and the flying monkeys.
I wonder, could I have done this evolution with more Glinda-like grace instead of being a hot mess...the kind that other people point at and say, "Be careful. She used to be such a good girl. Better throw a bucket of water on her and douse that inferno!” However, the more I beat up on myself, judging every mis-step and grand learning experience, the more I stay stuck in the very past I am loathing.
And I realized (with a grumpy squint-eyed glare) it got me HERE. It got me exactly where I needed to be to do the new thing I am about to do. Every single thing I have ever done or thought was done to me (which is essentially the same thing) got me to this point of wisdom and creative possibility, and now I need to accept that, and get on with it. A little gratitude for my bravery and willingness wouldn't hurt either. It might grease the path, as they say.
The only way out is in...as in acceptance of the whole grand debacle.
It is a bit much for me to ponder this today. I am crabby and need hot chocolate and a brownie, which I am sure will give me impeccable clarity; but I am smart enough to know I won’t be able to see the future with old eyes no matter how rosy my chocolate-smeared glasses become. The new is a leap of consciousness...a quantum leap into something that can't be understood, from where I am sitting, only felt inside me as the illusive beckoning of home.
Today it is enough to put down the hammer. Instead of staring at the old me as if it were a mega-mutant needing a makeover, I will thank her for putting me in motion. And with a bravery that rivals Elphaba’s, I will turn around, and without grabbing at what is leaving my life, I will plant my booty firmly on my Broom to the Future. Granted, I will be taking the passenger seat behind my Soul (because my little human self sure ain't driving this thing). I will trust her wisdom to fly me home.
Today I choose to defy gravity.