Today, with my incredible 20/20 hindsight, I see all the stupid things I did. I was naive. I was reckless. I had tunnel vision. I was a stubborn perfectionist, a puritanical pugilist, pushing and punishing myself and everyone else. ("I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!") I was determined to do the right thing andl I forged ahead like a fanatic using all the force of my will and magical powers.
Not the best plan. Ah, the wisdom of old age.
Today I see that I gripped the reality I wanted out of fear. I needed certain things to be a certain way because I didn't feel safe otherwise. I needed to uphold my practically perfect personality. I wanted to be what everyone wanted me to be, I tried to please others so they would like me at any cost, I took on their pain as my own so I would feel valuable, I heroically tried to fix and save the world according to my agenda whether it needed it or not, because, you know..I needed it.
As I peer back through my bifocals (the classy transition kind), I see that these choices created illness, loneliness, a great sense of helplessness, and no small amount of anger. My choices didn't give me what I thought they would at all. They delivered me to Opposite Land, and I was miserable there. Hence the matches...and the flying monkeys.
I wonder, could I have done this evolution with more Glinda-like grace instead of being a hot mess...the kind that other people point at and say, "Be careful. She used to be such a good girl. Better throw a bucket of water on her and douse that inferno!” However, the more I beat up on myself, judging every mis-step and grand learning experience, the more I stay stuck in the very past I am loathing.
And I realized (with a grumpy squint-eyed glare) it got me HERE. It got me exactly where I needed to be to do the new thing I am about to do. Every single thing I have ever done or thought was done to me (which is essentially the same thing) got me to this point of wisdom and creative possibility, and now I need to accept that, and get on with it. A little gratitude for my bravery and willingness wouldn't hurt either. It might grease the path, as they say.
*Hrmph...grumblegrumble...grudgingacceptance...nosmallamoutofwhining...heavysigh*
The only way out is in...as in acceptance of the whole grand debacle.
It is a bit much for me to ponder this today. I am crabby and need hot chocolate and a brownie, which I am sure will give me impeccable clarity; but I am smart enough to know I won’t be able to see the future with old eyes no matter how rosy my chocolate-smeared glasses become. The new is a leap of consciousness...a quantum leap into something that can't be understood, from where I am sitting, only felt inside me as the illusive beckoning of home.
Today it is enough to put down the hammer. Instead of staring at the old me as if it were a mega-mutant needing a makeover, I will thank her for putting me in motion. And with a bravery that rivals Elphaba’s, I will turn around, and without grabbing at what is leaving my life, I will plant my booty firmly on my Broom to the Future. Granted, I will be taking the passenger seat behind my Soul (because my little human self sure ain't driving this thing). I will trust her wisdom to fly me home.
Today I choose to defy gravity.